Downfall of Man.

Downfall of Man

Okay I have figured out one of the most devastating forces known to man.

No it is not Hitler’s son

Nor is it the atomic bomb

Nor is it even Usher

And no it is not Korea

It is Sluts.

Now while they seem harmless at first, they are a force to be reckon with, they are like puss in boots from shrek, seemingly harmless at first but when you get near them its off with your penis. (in one instance it’s a crazy std and the other is a sword hacking it) these people are so devastating that they should be rocketed off into space purifying the planet as best as we can.

So two nights ago I went on a pub crawl with evan, dean, frank and some other peeps... mostly girls with boyfriends. So whatever, anyway the third place we stop at is no other than overdrive! Overdrive had the perfect formula for me to hate a bar:

1. Tim Neufeld was there, and was as always being a fucking tard (he had three breezers and was bragging about how much he had to drink… and talking about putting jet fuel into his integra... and he wasn’t joking, he was serious)

2. Tim Neufeld was there

2. Shitty shitty music

3. expensive drinks

4. Tim Neufeld

5. Sluts

Okay all of you are probably sitting at the 5th point thinkign to yourself WHAT THE FUCK DUNCAN?!? SLUTS ARE AWESOME!

And normally I’d agree with you except for one thing. Sluts are shunned by normal and interesting girls, and they (sluts) are feared and hated and are to be scorned by these normal girls at every moment.

If you get with a slut you are fucked not only because of the std you contracted from her but the fact that you will never be able to get with an actually cool or interesting girl after the slut. And girls have ways of finding out, they were born with the gift of smelling slut on you, it doesn’t matter if you burned your skin off she’ll still find out.

So anyway the night started off with evan saying why aren’t you drinking? I said

Me: “I’m going to take it easy tonight and not get too drunk.”
Evan: If I’m driving you’re getting shitfaced.
Frank: lets go get shots! yay!

So needless to say 3 bars later and I was hammered. When we got to slut central aka overdrive I was so drunk that it was comical and I didn’t care where I was.

The funny thing when you’re drunk is you never listen to your best friend… EVER! Never ever! You just can’t do it doesn’t matter how much sense he is making he could be saying

“dude don’t put your hand in that deep fryer”

and you would say

“pfft as if you know what you’re talking about, it’ll be fine”

and so the story goes, you are incapable of making the correct choice when you’re drunk, when you’re drunk everything seems like a good idea. Your brain is inactive along with you’re conscience… everything in your body agrees to do whatever it is that you initially thought about doing.




so I’ve decided that I should make a band to wear around my face, wrist and then tattoo it to my chest saying

“if your buddy thinks it’s a bad idea and he’s sober don’t do it.”

Or better yet

“What Would Sober You Do?”

WWSYD

If you think she’s hot and your bud says she’s a dog, chances are she’s a dog. And vice versa for girls in similar situations.

back to the story nothing major happened to me, but I did realize that I did get ridiculed a lot by the normal girls on my pub crawl after talking to a slut. Even when I was talking to the slut she said “my friends are mad because it’s supposed to be a girls night only” and I said “it shouldn’t matter I’m not taking you home” and she laughed, it was funny because it was a snide and rude comment I made and she thought it was funny haha…. so I only talked to her. Ridiculed nonetheless.

I came to this conclusion that if you are a guy and you get with a slut and normal girls find out about this you’ve screwed your chances with a normal girl. You will be forever cursed with boring uninteresting girls going on about their tan lines or the color of lipstick they put on for that night and why they chose that color. Etc… you’re fucked.



so stay away from those whores they will ruin your life.

Lisp

Ok i can't take credit for this one, because it was all Briana, but anyway we were talking last night when a question arouse:

who was the fucking genious that decided to use the word lisp to describe a person with "a speech defect or mannerism characterized by mispronunciation of the sounds (s) and (z) as (th) and (th)"?

like really why?

who is this guy/girl who decided one day to use a word to describe someone who can't differienciet (S) from (Th) and incorporate that (S) into the word to describe that condition?

i didn't have an answer.

but i'm curious, perhaps the reason was that perhaps people lied about having a lisp when really they didn't have one. i don't know why they would, but saying "lithp" is kind of a double statement both confirming the fact that you have a lisp just in case there was any doubt that you did in fact had a lisp. hah!



The English Language is hilarious

and if this post turns into the last one i'm going to fucking beat you guys senseless. this new martial art i've recently taken up will ensure that.

but... i guess i've got both jay and joel beat, and closed up near sean... even though it was only 4 people bickering like idiots... as it always ends up happening.

Sarcasm + wit = i don't know

When things backfire in a social enviroment i sometimes want to die, it's not that i feel like an idiot when it backfires, but instead it's the fucking person i'm talking to should feel like an idiot but doesn't realize they should.

This commonly occurs when people bring up issues like dead parents or friends that commit suicide or introducing sarcasm or any attempt at wit into a conversation.

It's tough if the other person thinks you are serious, you both are put off by one another, the one person for thinking that when you said you learned how to pick up women from michael jackson (aka you don't pick up women ever, but you drive around school playgrounds in a van) they'll think you're pedofile or you try too hard to get a laugh.

it's the wrost when they think you're serious, i was at earls a couple of nights ago, because dave said he gets id'd everywhere he goes he even gets id'd at blades games (implying when he goes up to buy alcohol they id him, even though they always sell to 14 yearold girls there) and another person at the table asked "how old you have to be to go to a blades game" and i said "29" and well here's how the whole conversation went.






Now the problem is i think that that bitch who didn't get my joke is an idiot and she thinks i'm an idiot, because i just said you need to be 29 to go to a blades game.


Wit in many cases is a dying art, people are more obsessed with blunt to the point pros so simple and easy to understand that today's conversations that occur between two 20 yearolds is what most schools use to teach 5 yearolds how to read.

"I went to the store and saw jimmy, and he was so hot wearing blue jeans and a red shirt and he might have looked at me"

"Oh my god, i can't beleive he might have looked at you"

"Yeah i'm gonna bang a chikc, and then watch some hockey"

"yeah she's pretty hot and hockey is pretty awesome, i can't believe that gretzky retired, oh yeah and yeah i hate brett hall. "

it's kinda basic

and is so boring, but nothing is worse than trying to explain sarcasm or some witty remark, becaus ethe other person understanding that witty comment without you explaining it the main establishing bond between you and the other person. a connection of similar interests.

answering the meaning of life with "42" is only amusing if the other person has read the same books as you, if they haven't, trying to explain it tot he person becomes an awkward affair and it gets old explaining every little detail.


wit and sarcasm are things of a dying age unless it is obvious and in your face, and even then it is usually missed.

I'm not Dead Just Busy

I've got two posts coming just give me until thursday it should be a back to back one like last week.

The Man Part II

We're an Insitituion So We Can Do What We Want. Don't Like It? Tough.

It's futile to resist i know, but my parents think that is somehow possible for me to fight the power of the university. my dad fights everything, as it stands columbia house is trying to bill him for a breach of contract for not buying 70 dollars worth of cds or dvds... but he refuses to pay, my dad's just stubborn and bends for no man. however i'm alsight dissapointment in his eyes because i acknowledge the fact that the university owns my soul and there's so little i can do it's almsot commical, but my parents like to see me futilly waste 20 minutes of my day effectively ruining any good mood i might have been in so that i can explain to them why the university can justify raping me further in the asshole.

i got billed a second late fee for really no apparent reason. the first one i can understand even though it's ridiculous, the second one is still beyond me. here's the conversation almost word for word what happened:

Me: Okay my problem is that shown here in this statement I owed the university 611 dollars for picking up an additional class + an 18% late fee because I was expecting to be billed a second time like any other business would have done… then shown here I was charged and additional 18% late fee AFTER I paid for the late fee and the tuition. My question is why?

Fee Guy: Well you were issued a billing on august 27th and so you could have paid at that point.

Me: No see you’re missing the point, see I picked up an additional class so I no longer owed 1800 for first semester but 2300, I was expecting to get billed for that additional class, which is naive of me i know, because I was billed for it with a stated 18% late fee. And no company could away with doing something like that, they would issue an additional bill before hitting me with a late fee.

Fee Guy: Well this isn’t a company it’s an institution.

Me: So what you’re saying is because it is an institution and not a company the university can get away with charging a late fee without prior representation?

Fee Guy: Well uhh… I didn’t mean that

Me: Well what did you mean?

Fee Guy: You can do check it the same way you can register for classes.

Me: Ah yeah you’re easy to use u-star system that is closed during peak hours so I can only use it after 4:00 when I have class… perfect.

Fee Guy: That’s not my problem

Me: And I realize that. which is why I didn’t come here to argue my first late fee, I’m talking about the additional late fee that I was hit with after I paid.

Fee Guy: Well you were charged for septemeber and then charged in october.

Me: But I paid in October

Fee Guy: When in October?

Me: Can’t you tell me? I’m not the one with a computer in front of me.

Fee Guy: Well it takes a lot longer us to process it and so we don’t actually know when you paid it.

Me: Like how long

Fee Guy: Between 7-10 days

Me: So what you’re telling me is that I’m getting charged additional 18% because the university’s system is ineffcient?

Fee Guy: It’s not inefficient

Me: Oh really? Well I wrote down on my sheet here that I paid it on the 21st of October. And from what I understand from what you’re saying is that I got my bill on the 18th of October for a late fee from September and then I paid that and the additional class, and then you guys couldn’t process it fast enough and billed me a second time with an additional 18%. And this is my fault how?

Fee Guy: Well if you bring in the bank statement from the credit union saying you paid before that then we can clear this up.

Me: Well you understand how bloody ridiculous this is?

Fee Guy: What do you mean?

Me: What I mean is that the mistake is not on my part and you’ve acknowledged this, but I still have to waste all of my time getting a printed statement from the credit union so I can go through this a second time.

Fee Guy: I’m not in charge of how the system works

Me: I know… but the university could just put a sign up saying “we’re an institution not a company so we can do what we want. Don’t like it? tough” and you’d be out of a job and I wouldn’t have to argue with you like this.

Fee Guy: If you bring in the statement-

Me: I will… thanks

Fee Guy: No problem



Fuck, i hate the university

Dumb Girl

So there's this girl i talk to in my Econ 214 class, and every day we'll exchange the generally accepted conversation topics, and etc... and usually she's quite funny, and i laugh when she says soemthing but not an all out laugh because she usually talks during the lecture, and i can't afford to piss off my prof anymore than i already do with my shitty hand writing. anyway, i saw her in the hallway not doing anything one day so i asked her to go to browers for coffee, because i really didn't want to pretend like i was studying for 2 hours, and she responded with

Her "yeah that'd be great, but..."

Me: "But what bitch" (without the bitch part of course)

Her: "that's funny because i thought you hated me."

Me: ... .... are you kidding me?

Her: well you just always seemed to put up with me, like a half smile or soemthing

Me: Well typically if i was putting up with you i wouldn't consiously chose to sit beside you during class nor would i ask how your day was going.

Her: you might

Me: Heh, i don't see how or why.

and you know what? i desperately anaylzed the logic that was going through her head, like honestly how could she think i hate when i asked how she was doing every day? i don't know really, but i came to one plausable reason as to why she would think i asked her how her day was going even if i hated her:




Women...

Insecure women will drive you to the breaking point i tell ya, BREAKING POINT! just like that shitty Keanu Reeves movie "Point Break" like honestly if anyone has seen Point Break they would have to agree that Point Break is ridiculous... as ridiculous as women, like can you even imagine pitching the Point Break plot line to a bunch of producers?

James Cameron "Alright i've got this awesome action movie idea that will include every single aspect of every single teen movie ever produced in the history of the world"

Producers: "Okay...."

James Cameron " first off we have a football scene in which we have the shittiest actor in the whole wide world throw a football and then he cut to him tryign to bust some drug dealers, keanu's partners get shot up but he's okay, then he learns how to surf, meets a girl and falls in love with her, then he goes and skydives with patrick swayze, then is forced to rob a bank even though he's an undercover cop, then he skydives some more, then him and swayze have a pissing contest and then a gunfight and then keanu wins the girl back by kicking some ass with his shitty acting and then we end the mvoie with patrick swayze running off into a huge wave and keanu standing helplessly admiring swayzes' superior acting talent. the end"

producers: "what the fuck? what is that?"

James Cameron: "I did Terminator and the Titanic so shut the fuck up and dish out the money."

Producers: "but the year in 1990 you won't do titanic until 1994"

James Cameron: "Show me the money"

the end

The "Man"

So anyway I hate walking in the tunnel at the university, there’s always these hippy bastards that haven’t showered in 2 years protesting against “the man” for some reason or other. For example in November there was a protest for “Buy Nothing on Nov. 27th Day” where Nov 27th has the highest number of retail sales worldwide for a single day. No Kidding?!? Wow obviously I should show the world who’s boss in a retarded and futile attempt to somehow make a difference by defying “the man” by not buying shit all Nov 27th! YAY!

I find it hilarious when I see these protests against “the man” where basically all these half wit losers start a cause to fight the tyranny of the “man’s power”. For those of you that haven’t figured it out yet the “man” consists of the government and the entire social-economic structure our country was founded upon, so in other words capitalism in general is what these people are “fighting” against. Unfortunately due to the fact that these people are too busy smoking up, or shooting up they miss the big picture and the irony of the whole situation:

THEY ARE UNIVERSITY STUDENTS!

THE UNIVERSITY IS THE BIGGEST “MAN” OUT THERE!

University rapes their students as often as possible, the dean takes specific interest in raping you, the student, it can be seen at any moment in time in any college in any field. Every two seconds there is a student somewhere in Canada screaming in agony because he or she is getting Michael Jackson style molested by a university. However with that said, the big difference between Michael Jackson and the university is that people have a choice whether or not they send their kid to Michael Jackson’s “pleasure land”; while we are pretty much forced into paying the university to molest us. We do this to ourselves because we require some kind of certificate that is relevant to the world we live in… and no not a C.E.O. degree… so that we may marry some bitch/bastard that we will eventually divorce, have a steady job, and have our 2.5 kids living in relative ease. Happily ever after! Yay!

However the fuckers in charge at the university are trying to make this nearly impossible for me and anyone else who wasn’t born with a silver spoon stuck in their assholes to achieve this goal. I’m pretty sure this is how a typical university meeting goes.

“Hey Fred how’s it going?”

“Not so good Bill, I really want to buy this McClaren F1, but I’m short a little money.”

“Not a problem Fred! We’ll just raise tuition another 20% hahahaha, I love my job, ahahaha it’s almost as good as being Satan"

I get raped at every turn by the Uni, they up tuition by 20% that’s the big TWO-O each year, while inflation goes up a measly 2%. Fuck. And then there’s all these little details such as when you pick up another class you don’t get billed for it like any regular company would bill you, instead they expect you to phone their complicated son of a bitch u-star system and check through there to find out exactly how much money you owe.

“Welcome to U-star please ensure that you are using a touch tone phone if anytime you would like the university to further rape you please press 1, if you would like to see the trillions of dollars it is costing you to get a measly 4 year degree please press 212345-467 and then the pound sign.”

“What the fuck? since when is there a fucking hyphen key on any phone???”

“Sorry you have waited too long good bye.”

“Nooooo!!! Motherfucker I will kill your dog!”

so its that stupidly easy to check exactly how much you owe to the university! And then they hit you with a 10% late fee even though you paid you tuition on time. This late fee is merely a “mistake”, meant only to keep you on your toes. But really we all know the university just wants to see you buckle at the knees as it feeds it to you in the ass.





Then there’s all those other things, for example: the last day of finals they weren’t running the 27 bus route (the one I catch) and so I had to drive to my final; my final was 3 hours but parking is only 2 so after finishing my test I come back to my car and found an early Christmas present a 40 dollar ticket! 5 minutes after my timer expired! Awesome!



And there’s always classes like my 213 econ class in which the class average was an awesome 42% and I got a 60 which is good for the class average but still it’s pretty low. I want honors goddamn you bastards!



Anyway, the university puts the government’s “Man” to shame, their combination of penetration and hope outweigh the government’s straightforward approach of running you into the ground leaving you with enough money to subsist on catfood. The government doesn’t bullshit you, they know you’re going to die divorced starving and unhappy, whereas university gives you that false sense of hope that you’ll amount to something someday. But you know what? Rather than fight it I just accept the fact that the university owns my soul, and bend over like a good little boy, because university isn’t supposed to make you smarter, more educated, or craftier, it just makes you complicit with the current structure of society.


Moral of the Story:

Just take it like a man/woman and shut up.

Don't Send Me Your Shitty Poetry.

So in other news i'm going to beat a dead horse and openly state that just because i wear glasses while at school and i read an occassional book does not mean i know 3rd year calculus nor do i necesarily know why your computer has blown up; so stop asking me motherfuckers!

wearing glasess does not mean i know anything about computers, shakespeare or the square root of e.

so stop asking!

When i went to L.A. two years ago i met this girl named Scarlett she was obessed with me, but i really wasn't interested, seeing as she reminded me of kelly obsorne. when i came back from L.A. she got my email address somehow i don't actually recall how, but anyway, she would send me large messages and i would limit my replies to 10 words or less, she would ask me question pertaining to math , english or anything assumming that i somehow cared. in hindsight it would have been much simplier for her to look up her questions in a dictionary than wait 2 days for my reply on how to spell onomatopia. anyway one day she decided to send me poetry that she was writing.

I couldn't resist, because it was shoved down my throat and it was hilarious. i have never read more terrible poetry. she was trying so depsterately hard to come off as a deep and misunderstood person when really she was just being ridiculous.

i thought i might post verbatum what she sent me because it's hilarious:

Letting this blade cut through the surface to these five blue vains, visable to the naked eye. knowing soon, this blade i take to my wrist will releave me for a quick moment, a quick second. Every drop of blood that has been shed from these vains is a drop for anger, a drop for sadness, a drop for happiness, and a drop for relife.

As i carve a heart into my arm, letting the blade carve deeper and deeper into my skin, slowly letting drops of warm blood trickle down my arm as i shed a tear for this heart i carve in my arm to remind me of the pain i suffered on my own terms with you. So what does this poor little carved heart have to stand for?

her understanding of poetry was that it must be about her taking her own life because thats all that poetry can be. She jsut didn't get it, she thought talking about death was somehow interesting when really it's unbeleivably unorginal.

and while i'll admit, i'm not as heartless nor as cruel as i come off on this wesbite and i understand that people do suffer from chemical imbalances in the brain, the fact remains that there are thousands of people sufferring from severe destruction on a regular basis, where entire families are wiped out within seconds of a bomb or tsnami, our problems here in North America with our cheating deadbeat boyfriends and 90% averages are bloodly ridiculous. they aren't worth you killing yourself so get over it.

don't send me your shitty poetry.

Just When I Thought I Couldn't Hate Anymore

Okay as we all know i hate people. and i do. i hate people for no reason, i hate people for good reasons, i just hate people in general. Now Evan and i had a talk where he came to the conclusion i would be a bleeding heart sissy if i didn't hate as many people as i do. which is probably true. while i do like a lot of people as well, and like meeting new people, i do hate my fair share of people but not enough, i really don't want to be known as "Duncan the bleeding heart sissy"... So as a rememdy to this i've come up with a plan of how to hate even more people, and this website is going to be the mode of which i will put my plan into effect. Create a "To Do" list to make me hate you! It's reallyquite simple i just get the other half of saskatoon (the other half of saskatoon i already hate, so we're already almost there.) to begin following my 10 easy to follow persona's to have me wish for their death. YAY!

1. Bar Bitches

Alright to be a bar bitch is quite simple, i'm going to break it down into two classes male and female. while female bar bitches i will tolerate, male bar bitches, however, i will not, they should be handled like ving rhames handles zombies: shotgun blast to the face.

Priceless

These guys seriously are god damn ridiculous. I will give you the biography of people like this:

Their name is somthing like John Doe, they graduated highschool and rather than doing something useful with their lives like learning a trade or going to school they just work at some factory for slightly better than minimum wage job so that they can afford to blow all of their cash on drinks at bars like the Scuz, Pat or Overdrive. They have no hobbies no interests other than sex with women, shitty cars, bars, working out, over priced clothing, and sex. They spend their days at their shitty jobs dreaming of the bar and all the women they will impress with their lack of personality and deadfish eyes. there is no reason to these people's existence except to accidently produce a child in which case they will deny the charge of being the father (because the girl was obviously a bar slut, who gets with everyone) and their child in all probability will grow up to be useless like his/her biological father. Beautiful!

John Doe will eventually grow old marry some girl that is too good for him, he'll beat her senseless every night and eventually he will die wondering whatever happened to his life.

now this is just one story, bar bitches exist everywhere and in fact there are plenty of bar bitch guys that do go to school and are jsut as boring and uninteresting. university gives people the feeling of superiority among other people which is ridiculous, but that is a story for another time.
anyway hopefully my diagram will help illustrate how all of you can become bar bitches, and hopefully ving rhames will pay you a visit.

Bar bitch Females exist everywhere we talk about them all of the time and i don't feel the need to go into their problems because they are closesly related to bar bitch guys; the only difference is bar bitch girls wear 6 pounds of make-up, rather than consuming 6 pounds of steriods.

2. Question Guy/Girl

It's really quite simple just follow me around to all my clasess and put your hand up for every 30 seconds to ask the most obvious or blatantly retarded questions ever. Or better yet don't even ask questions just put your hand up and make statements such as this:

asshole: "what if i just called X, Z instead and carry the denominator?"

the prof will always say: "Yes that would work"

asshole: "Okay thanks, oh i have another pointless question to waste the class time with so that i make it impossible for you to finish a lecture... even though i already know the answer to all the questions i'm going to ask, i just want everyone else in the class to think i'm smart. just because i'm a fucking loser"

me: jesus i fucking hate that guy

other person: ME TOO!

me: fuck lets kill him

3. Names that start with R and end in E for 500


Anyone who knows me already know i hate this guy, and while i have no real legitimate reason to hate him, seeing as i have never actually spoken to him, i do know just enough to have a deep passion for hating him.

A) he tucks his sweater into his pants... i mean honestly what the fuck? did your mommy dress you with her millions of dollars? yes.

B) Incompetent at rolling up his sleeves, he just pushed them up midway up his forearm, so that he can walk around with his hands on his waist like douche.

C) He clips his cellphone onto his belt... enough said

D) He likes to talk about all the thigns he owns or posesses on a fairly regular basis, i think i've heard him talk about his big tv and his hot tub atleast 5 times.

the funny thing is i have a bigger better tv and a fucking pool motherfucker, and you don't hear me going on about it. why?!? because i don't suck cock for a living.

E) He doesn't really work he jsut plays video games all day and lives off the rent from the property his parents paid for.

(okay that one maybe jealousy)

F) His face would look better if i crashed a car into it.

serious he's an ugly bastard.

G) His friends are the same chachy fags as he is, just they don't tuck in their sweaters


So there you go you probably would only have to includ half of those listed traits into your regular routine for me to hate you enough to create a voodoo doll representing you.... it's actually a good thign i don't beleive in voodoo because i would have closests filled with voodoo dolls at any given moment in time.


5. Julia Roberts

Bitch. I hate Julia Roberts. anything about her disgusts me, especially when people say she is a great actress.

i got news for you asshole she's not a great actress!

she just plays an uncomprimising bitch in all of her movie roles just as she is in real life: an ugly ho. when shes smiles i just want to get in my car and drive to hollywood and curbstomp her child and if i have time i'd punch her in the face. i mean she is responsible for ruining great movies like ocean's 11 and runaway bride... okay i'm kidding on runaway bride but you get my point.

if you want me to hate you just start a Julia Roberts fansite like this one here. after viewing it i've lost all appetetite to do anything other than stab my eyes out with a pencil.

goodnight


6.White Thugs

7. Nelly + Usher = pain

8. extreme uncomprimising christian or relgious bastards.

9. complain about wanting to kill yourself all the time

10. extreme crackhead

okay i'm done for now i may do a follow up to the items i listed but did not go into detail.

Bad at Driving? Try Bad at Walking!

We all know Saskatchewan drivers are fucking terrible. like ridiculously bad, and no one really knows why, it's like one of those impossible mysteries like bigfoot and how do they really get the caramel in the caramilk bar (which i might add is the lamest commerical ever). anyway i'm not here to talk about bad saskatchewan driving, because it's so terrible that's it's not even really worth ranting over.

the point to my post today is how similar walking the halls of a university are to saskatchewan driving. You know what i mean, it's those people that can't fucking merge, or they move too god damn slow and they always stop for no apprarent reason. these fucking people are going to kill me and they aren't even driving car! they are fucking walking! the most basic thing any human learns and these people are incapable of putting one foot infront of them without holding up an entire line of people. when i'm at school i fucking hate walking behind those tiny women typically asian (no offence i just mean typically it is petite asian women), these girls aren't even THAT short, yet they still couldn't cover a football field within 3 days of straight walking. you know the ones i'm talking about the ones where you just want to shove out of the way and then curb stomp if you had the time. i hate these people and never ever know how to deal with them.

typically what ends up hapenning is where you try to keep pace with the slow bitches, trying desperately not to run them over, but as a result you look like some inbred retard that grew up in the longbranch trying to make his way across the university hallway with fast awkward and small steps tripping over your own feet.... and you never know what to do in this situation dodge? check? play dead?

when i run into this situation serval options run through my mind:

A) politely look for any kind of opening that you can squeeze around these tortoises, and everytime there is a opening you go towards it only to have it cut off so you seem like one of those assholes dodging side to side trying to find an opening. thus so politeness failed and you should have gone striaght to option D.

B) stop completely, pretend to stare at a poster advertising free condoms for gay couples and then proceed after 5 minutes on your merry way walking normally and uninterrupted until you run into that god damn blind guy who needs an entire hallway all to himself or he'll beat you with his feely blindstick thing.

C) Accept the fact you are a pussy and carry on walking like a retard the entire length of the tunnel hoping that eventually the people obstructing your path will die or move on in another direction.

D) forget politeness and do what your heart desires, try hurddling overtop of them. or fi you don't have stilts for legs like me just barrel through them, and insincerely say "sorry about that... bitches" and and continue on your sexy strut.

That's just slow moving i've covered we've still got merging

The day saskatoon drivers learn how to merge is the same day i get sex, its about as likely as pigs flying and hell freezing over, it won't happen.

so as a result the same problem exists in the hallway, the number one guys for this are the member of the auido visual club that can't figure out that if you keep on going no ones going to stop you, they just stand there constantly putting the foot down and doing the elliott stutter incapable of moving forward into the line of traffic. now i have to push through like 6 other people stuck behind this asshole just so i can move on with the rest of traffic. as a 6'4 tall guy who can bench his own body weight i just look for the guy who looks the least intimidating and cut him off( i usually have this thign with cutting off women.... something my mom beat into me), if i were a nerdy guy however that did not have a mom like mine i would look for the smallest nerdiest girl and cut her off. it's that simple people. big fish eats small fish; survival of the fittest!


Moral of the Story:

I hate walking the halls of the university almost as much as i hate neckbeards.

P.S. i'll edit the grammar possibly tommrrow.

Never Stop and Think

So today marks the beginning of second semester of my second year of university, and i have come to one conclusion: university is the breeding grounds of bad facial hair. And when i say bad i mean terrible and when i say terrible i mean i want to hack away at your face with a chainsaw to cleanse the bad grooming.

Now i am completely supportive of growing facial hair it's sweet. I am all for not giving a shit and letting whatever happens, happens… but when people start styling it, that’s when I run into huge problems. Growing a goatee is perfectly cool even if doesn't quite fill out but is close enough, however with that said I know there is going to be some dipshit who will decide to grow a neckbeard or a sancho-stache for no reason. Like Jay Gall’s was funny because his opening line when he spoke to anyone was “I know my teenstache is disgusting but I was wondering how was your day?” which is badass. But there is a guy that I always see waiting for the bus at the same time I do, and he’s been growing this Teenstache since like September and it still hasn’t filled out. It’s disgusting. I want to be like “dude no don’t do it you’ve still got so much ahead of you don’t through ti all away!”

(he catches the broadway one, you know the one which all the weirdo’s get on … just kidding, please don’t kill me)

Anyway I’ve mentioned this to people already but there is this guy who was in my intro to business class who had the ugliest neckbeard I have ever seen, ever. And I know neckbeards, I know wade. Hah, sorry man. Anyway, this guy he had been growing it since early October and it continued right up into finals… I doubt he’s shaven the monkey growing under his chin yet, but there’s a possibility his grandma came at him with a pair of sheep shears during Christmas. I just can’t understand the fashion statement he’s trying to make here; see I thought it was a joke until it continued for the rest of the semester, and it never got better, in fact it got worse, he grew his sideburns to connect them to his neck beard, the rest of his face is clean shaven. CLEAN SHAVEN! WHY!?

I don’t know. Perhaps he’s advertising the fact that he has no need to attempt to attract women, or because he thinks he looks hot with his unethical grooming techniques. No matter the case he looks like a wannabe wookie. To help my Commerce and Bus friend out I’ve decided to create a diagram to explain traditional grooming techniques.



Here



To finish my semi-rant I’ve decided to leave you all with a powerful and meaningful quote:

“Yeah, but you were so preoccupied with whether or not you could, you didn't stop to think if you should.” Dr Ian Malcom

I rest my case.

People Are Self Destructive by Nature

So the other day Matt and i were drving to Timmy Hortons where i discovered soemthing interesting... see i had always thought i had been somewhat self descrutive in nature and that it wasn't particularily normal. i often get this feeling that i figure most people wouldn't understand.

Matt: "do you ever get an urge while you are driving to crank the steering wheel and smash into a post just to see what would happen?"

Me: "Uhhhhh yeah i do... but i usually try to refrain from telling the passenger in my vehicle that i have a usdden urge to wrap my car around a pole"

Matt: heh, yeah i suppose, yeah that's crazy, and it's sometimes such an intense feeling where i just want to see what will happen. like i know that my car will be crushed, i will be dead, along with anyone else in the car, and the pole however will be unscatched but i just want to see if that will actually happen. just to see

Me: okay i think i'll walk

Matt: never!

See i too also have these urges to smash my car into parked vehicles more than poles, (poles are so far away fromt he road and rarely vary) vehicles on the other hand can vary in the damage they will do to me. like a honda civic would do very little damage to me, while a pinto would light up an entire city block.

you just never really know. like you know what generally happens but every case can be slightly different.

the worse feeling is when i'm standing in my mom's office building over-looking the open 9 storey balcony, i feel like i must throw my leg over the edge and jump down and see if i can catch a light or two or grab onto something and try to survive... on my inevitable way down. i usually have to hold onto the balcony bars and restrain myself from jumping just because it's soooo overpowering.

It's not that i'm suicidal but because i'm just curious, curiousity killed man more than it killed the cat. and i would be a perfect example of that cliche saying.

Feel free to admit that you too are a crazy son of a bitch and have thought about death out of curiousity.

Evan admitted he has thought baout it lots and now you can too!



that's just my random thought of the day

George Costanza sexier than me?

George Costanza sexier than me? Why tv is far too ridiculous.
Ok so as a break from studying or work, I’ve been watching a fair amount of tv lately. And when I say tv I don’t mean survivor or american idol... which is shit. But I mean shows like Will & Grace or Seinfeld. Classics. And after all of my tv watching I’ve come to one conclusion: tv is shit in general. Now when I say shit I really mean it is so utterly unrealistic that I can’t possibly accept anything that happens in these shows.

Take Seinfeld for example, I cannot for one second take Seinfeld seriously, it’s too ridiculous. Why? Because of George Costanza. George fucking Costanza is a mess; he’s fat, short, wears glasses, is balding, shallow, immature, lives with his parents and yet somehow he has an unending supply of equal or lesser-aged and relatively attractive women to choose from at any given time. WHAT THE FUCK???

Like honestly he’s hideous I can use his skull as a mirror and shave my face he’s that bald and hideous.



He looks like a god damn monk, and I mean we all know why monks devote themselves to god and not women, because women don’t want fat balding messes, unfortunately George defies this law of nature.

George Costanza defies all the laws of attraction and yet he somehow can be shallow douche who dumps his girlfriend every episode. Like I mean he should be thankful he hasn’t died a virgin, let alone be picky in any way. But no… he is an ugly mess and still can easily conjure some insignificant reason to dump his current and hot girlfriend.

While other men in the world such as myself, Salt, or Gall couldn’t attract a woman if our lives depended on it, this man has a never ending supply. If Gall or myself did in fact decided tonight that we would go look for women, 99.999% of the time it’d end up turning in a dogfight. She would in all likelyness turn out to a minimum of quadruple my weight. 159 pounds * 4 = heavy mother fucking woman. (although I will admit sean probably would win this dogfight, jay and I would come in close 2nd or 3rd)


My point is that it is completely unbelievable that a man like George Costanza can get ass on a regular basis and I on the other hand might as well become a priest. The irony is I’m not a fat mess, stupid, nor am I beyond the dictionary term of shallow like our friend Georgey is.



Like i mean fuck this is garbage, there is no way that ugly shallow asshole guys should get women. it's ridiculous, and yet it happens. for example this is how it is:


What it is




What it should be


notice how pissed off John Goodman looks, just because he too has also come to the conclusion that his gay lover is a douche... I'm guessing that John is probably re-evaluating his life at that very moment, and running off to vegas to marry a transvestite named bubba.


What it is



What it should be



The world is shit just like TV and i hate both somedays... unfortunately I can't live without either of them.