The "Man"

So anyway I hate walking in the tunnel at the university, there’s always these hippy bastards that haven’t showered in 2 years protesting against “the man” for some reason or other. For example in November there was a protest for “Buy Nothing on Nov. 27th Day” where Nov 27th has the highest number of retail sales worldwide for a single day. No Kidding?!? Wow obviously I should show the world who’s boss in a retarded and futile attempt to somehow make a difference by defying “the man” by not buying shit all Nov 27th! YAY!

I find it hilarious when I see these protests against “the man” where basically all these half wit losers start a cause to fight the tyranny of the “man’s power”. For those of you that haven’t figured it out yet the “man” consists of the government and the entire social-economic structure our country was founded upon, so in other words capitalism in general is what these people are “fighting” against. Unfortunately due to the fact that these people are too busy smoking up, or shooting up they miss the big picture and the irony of the whole situation:

THEY ARE UNIVERSITY STUDENTS!

THE UNIVERSITY IS THE BIGGEST “MAN” OUT THERE!

University rapes their students as often as possible, the dean takes specific interest in raping you, the student, it can be seen at any moment in time in any college in any field. Every two seconds there is a student somewhere in Canada screaming in agony because he or she is getting Michael Jackson style molested by a university. However with that said, the big difference between Michael Jackson and the university is that people have a choice whether or not they send their kid to Michael Jackson’s “pleasure land”; while we are pretty much forced into paying the university to molest us. We do this to ourselves because we require some kind of certificate that is relevant to the world we live in… and no not a C.E.O. degree… so that we may marry some bitch/bastard that we will eventually divorce, have a steady job, and have our 2.5 kids living in relative ease. Happily ever after! Yay!

However the fuckers in charge at the university are trying to make this nearly impossible for me and anyone else who wasn’t born with a silver spoon stuck in their assholes to achieve this goal. I’m pretty sure this is how a typical university meeting goes.

“Hey Fred how’s it going?”

“Not so good Bill, I really want to buy this McClaren F1, but I’m short a little money.”

“Not a problem Fred! We’ll just raise tuition another 20% hahahaha, I love my job, ahahaha it’s almost as good as being Satan"

I get raped at every turn by the Uni, they up tuition by 20% that’s the big TWO-O each year, while inflation goes up a measly 2%. Fuck. And then there’s all these little details such as when you pick up another class you don’t get billed for it like any regular company would bill you, instead they expect you to phone their complicated son of a bitch u-star system and check through there to find out exactly how much money you owe.

“Welcome to U-star please ensure that you are using a touch tone phone if anytime you would like the university to further rape you please press 1, if you would like to see the trillions of dollars it is costing you to get a measly 4 year degree please press 212345-467 and then the pound sign.”

“What the fuck? since when is there a fucking hyphen key on any phone???”

“Sorry you have waited too long good bye.”

“Nooooo!!! Motherfucker I will kill your dog!”

so its that stupidly easy to check exactly how much you owe to the university! And then they hit you with a 10% late fee even though you paid you tuition on time. This late fee is merely a “mistake”, meant only to keep you on your toes. But really we all know the university just wants to see you buckle at the knees as it feeds it to you in the ass.





Then there’s all those other things, for example: the last day of finals they weren’t running the 27 bus route (the one I catch) and so I had to drive to my final; my final was 3 hours but parking is only 2 so after finishing my test I come back to my car and found an early Christmas present a 40 dollar ticket! 5 minutes after my timer expired! Awesome!



And there’s always classes like my 213 econ class in which the class average was an awesome 42% and I got a 60 which is good for the class average but still it’s pretty low. I want honors goddamn you bastards!



Anyway, the university puts the government’s “Man” to shame, their combination of penetration and hope outweigh the government’s straightforward approach of running you into the ground leaving you with enough money to subsist on catfood. The government doesn’t bullshit you, they know you’re going to die divorced starving and unhappy, whereas university gives you that false sense of hope that you’ll amount to something someday. But you know what? Rather than fight it I just accept the fact that the university owns my soul, and bend over like a good little boy, because university isn’t supposed to make you smarter, more educated, or craftier, it just makes you complicit with the current structure of society.


Moral of the Story:

Just take it like a man/woman and shut up.