Sun Tzu's Art to Ass Kicking

Lately I’ve been writing perhaps my best script I’ve written to date, my previous scripts have been bogged down by irrelevant plotlines and alternative motives for characters that don’t suit their own personality, and the dialogue I used was never great or witty. Much like my own I admit.

However, before I started writing this masterpiece I thought about what makes great movies great.

Ass Kicking.

Now Ass Kicking is a difficult art to master in the film industry because you can’t have a guy aimless shooting people with an infinite amount of ammo and infinitely worse acting and stunts. It won’t sell. if I won’t watch it (and I watch a ton of movies) no one will…. Well except for Tarantino that bastard watches every movie. Anyway. I researched the art of Ass Kicking and have broken it down into a formula easy to understand.

Army of Darkness = Ass Kicking

Army of Darkness + Boondock Saints + Pulp Fiction – (Quentin Tarantino’s Acting) + Mad Max – (80’s haircuts and overall weak supporting cast) + Ving Rhames = Ultimate Understanding of the Art of Ass Kicking

It’s that simple really master that formula and you will be rich… or just another struggling fool trying desperately to get into the film industry. One of the two but I can’t remember which one happens more often.

Okay so let us analyze each factor in my equation of Ass Kicking



Army of Darkness

Written and directed by cult classic Sam Raimi (for those of you that are retarded he directed all evil dead and both spidermans)

Starring Bruce Campbell

Okay there's a guy who was once a nancy boy named Ashley, but in the third installment he becomes the epitome of ass kicking: He cuts off his own hand changes his name to Ash and suddenly he becomes cooler than dinosaurs. Wow major character development right there, then he goes back into time with a car filled with shotgun shells chemistry books, and infinite cans of whoop ass.

Awesome

He then struts around medieval England raises the dead just so he can single handedly kill off an entire zombie army just to show you how cool he is. He does all this and regurgitates cheesy taglines that aren’t cheesy at all because bruce campbelle is the best actor of all time. Why he got stuck in terrible scifi movies like escape from la and etc after this movie is beyond me. No one else could have said those lines and sounded cool saying them, could you see tom hanks saying “Hail to the king baby” as he blows some she devil’s face off without sounding like a nancy boy? No.

Okay in short to make movie kickass you need 3 of the 6 things that made this movie kickass.
1. Zombies
2. Shotgun blasts to the face
3. humourously blasting zombies faces off
4. well used ass kicking one liners
5. traveling back in time with a truck filled with guns and bombs and etc to make your name universally known in 330 bc.
6. choosing a modest life rather than kingly life and working at S-Mart.



Mad Max

You killed off Mel Gibson’s wife and kid and now he’s pissed motherfucker you don’t fuck with Mel! Basically Mel drives around in a car post nuclear war and wanders through ruins of society occasionally all the while he’s busting caps into everyone and anything. ( I think he shot a dog in the face at one point because it looked at him funny).

Basically what is cool about post apocalyptic movies is we as people love seeing mass destruction of society. We love seeing office buildings ruined and where you are the only person around to witness it, the world is your playground if you want smokes you walk into a store and find them and take them, the owner of the store was nuked so what does he care? Society destroyed itself, it’s like watching a car wreck it’s absolutely fascinating. And then you fill in the boring scenes with mel getting pissed off and killing stuff and you’ve got yourself an awesome movie.



Pulp Fiction

Tarantino outdoes himself in this one. the thing Quentin Tarantino does is that he humanizes every character with emotion, feelings, desires, and aspirations and then throws all the characters together and we watch them get their faces blown off for no reason. And then he has very stylish gangster like dialogue. If you watch an old black white movie from the 40’s you will notice that the dialogue is unbelievable... Some of it is life altering. this cult favorite is capable of reporducing similar dialgoue on command... while it'll never be as good as mvoies that relied solely on dilagoue he is competentent nonetheless at mimicing it.

A+ for dialogue



Boondock Saints


If you’ve seen this movie you know why. 2 Irish kids discover god wants them to kill mob bosses and they decide they like it so they rid the world of evil drug dealers and the Russian mafia vigilante style. And they blow up a cat accidentally.

Awesome.

If you combine all of these elements of the movies you will have a top notch action flick sure to win no academy awards but will entertain the masses to no end. If some producer can make a move entitled alien vs. predator for a 100 million I should be able to make a movie about killing zombies and shooting cats for a 98th of that.