There is no such thing as always

Lately the two most frequently asked questions that I have received have been:

1) How is it that you such a bitter son of a bitch?
And
2) Will you please get out of my way?

To answer question 2 would require too much time that I do not have, so instead I’ll try my best to explain question 1.

Being a bitter bitch isn’t nearly as easy as I make it sound, because in reality it is complicated and time consuming way of presenting oneself; as it requires a razor sharp wit and a comprehensive understanding of human nature. I will try to break it down as simplified as possible so that you, my devoted readers, may learn how to follow in my footsteps.

There are three very important aspects in becoming more like myself- a bitter son of a bitch, which are:

1) become excessively moody

This is not easy, as it requires a number of bi-polar mood swings that will occur frequently throughout the course of the day, pills are usually the easiest for this, but it takes true skill to do it with sheer willpower.

My best suggestion is to mimic the mood swings of pmsing soccer mom on an overdose of bitch… or you can mimic the mood swings of sean either is sufficient for our overall objective.

2) Neutrality doesn’t exist


There is no such thing is I have no opinion on any subject… especially people. There are bastards and then there are people that are not bastards but there is no grey area.

For example:

You meet some person for the first time, and rather than taking the time to get to know the person and judge him/her on the basis of their actions and etc… you prejudge the person on the spot based on clothes, posture, or you can just flip a coin (heads = asshole, tales = asshole). My personal favorite is deciding that the person will be an asshole before you even meet him/her. (it’s easier this way as it is safe, and you’ll never have to worry about getting close enough to this person to change your mind.)… but on the off chance you do get to know the person nothing is more frustrating than changing your mind and saying that he/she is NOT an asshole…

3) Anything that sounds too good to be true: IS!

This is probably the most important aspect to becoming a bitter son of a bitch, and perhaps the most mentally demanding. Only the most intelligent marsupials have figured out how to accomplish this third step effectively one hundred percent of the time.

It requires that everything you say must be in some form or another cynical and or sarcastic and bitter to the point of being obnoxious.

"Dunc good news Alan just proposed to me!!"

I have 4 possible options to choose from, and only one response will correctly portray me as a bitter bitch.

a) "That’s great to hear Ashley! I’m super happy for you and Alan"
b) "My testicles itch"
c) "Awesome I haven’t been to a good bachelor party is eons!"
d) "I’d give the both of you 3 years … 4 max"

in this case d) would be the one and only correct statement. I know most inexperienced individuals would have a tough time choosing between b) and d) but that is what separates the true bitter bitches and the fakes. Now you must realize that the reason this is so difficult is that every statement or question that requires a response from you has 4 or more possible answers and only one is correct. It’s tough, every moment of my life is a multiple choice question where only one response will portray me accurately as a bitter bitch, and we wouldn’t want it any other way…

"Dunc come look I bought new shoes!"

a) "drop dead bitch"
b) "sweet! from where?"
c) "my testicles itch"
d) "those look awesome! You have really great style.
e) "When are you going to stop wasting money on that shit and get yourself a boob job? Cause that’s what you need…"
f) "everytime you have said a word to me I’ve wanted to die."

It’s a toughy, the answer will be at the bottom of the page.
There are many other factors that play into a bitter bitch like being insecure and talking about yourself to make up for this aspect, or need of acknowledgement, or pigheadedness, or infatuated obsession with yourself or etc… but at least all of you now know why I am so exhausted after a day of being around people.

Now what I’ve explained in the last page or two isn’t necessarily me, as I’m more in the grey area… ack I’ve just broken my own damn rule! How can anyone explain how to be a bitter bitch without even breaking their own god damn rules 30 seconds after writing 3 rules for being a bitter bitch!? I guess I suck… but only kinda suck.



The answer is e)