The Real Story on MJ

So the other night I was driving with a certain someone when Michael Jackson’s “beat it” was played on the radio. I said that I loved this song, which as a consequence i was given the signature gawking stare expecting me to say "fooled you! i'm just idding".

But I wasn’t kidding. And fuck you if you think “beat it” sucks.

I asked her what is wrong with Mj?

And she said that he’s a child molester

And I said he hasn't been rpoven guilty yet!

Whereas we got into an argument over the self proclaimed king of pop.

Now here’s the thing. Micahel jackson probably in reality feeds kids wine and then touches them. But that doesn’t bother me for 2 reasons.

First of all him being a child molester doesn’t have an effect on me in any way shape or form. and even if I lived across the street from MJ, with 12 kids, it would not affect me.

Reason being:

Michael Jackson can not leave his house without a swarm of specially trained life-ruining paparazzi, so chances of MJ somehow sneaking up on one of my many children to molest them are near 0. And thus MJ’s only source of children, is provided by parents sending their children to Neverland ranch.

These parents plead ignorance, “oh but we didn’t know Michael Jackson had been accused of molesting a little boy in 94, we must have been buried in a deep hole in Fiji for the last 10 years, because it had only been on the front page of every newspaper known to man during 94… but we still somehow missed it”.

Riiiight

The fact is we could rename “neverland” to “land of touching little boys”

And parents would send the same volume of children to MJ’s ranch as always.

In fact, parents do better than just send their kids to neverland, they dress them in lace and put a sign around their neck saying “touch me please” and then boot them out of their van with a lawyer and voice recorder standing by.



That’s how MJ doesn’t affect me other than the newspapers and reporters, who drown out my life senseless batter in respect to his trial. that affects me, and it hurts.



It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… I mean it doesn’t matter if the guy whose song I’m listening to is by a fucking mass murderer if it’s a good song it’s a good song. I can’t help it, and it’s not like Micahel Jackson’s songs are subliminal messaging about him wanting little boys.

“ 1 2 3 singin a b, c you and me little boys now.”

No.

So it’s a good song, I don’t listen to music because of the people who wrote or preformed them I listen to them because the song they made kicks ass.

And Mj does kick ass. nothing beats thriller. End of story



….but if you want to get into the psychology of MJ I think honestly think he’s suffered irreversible brain damage. Like honestly how can a man fuck up as often as he does? Serious.

It’s not possible unless you have

A)lots of money
B) retarded

I’m sure his lawyer’s and publicist’s blood pressure must be ridiculously high. I’m sure even Jack Bauer wouldn’t be bale to take the stress of being Mj’s Publicist.


Publicist: “whew we just blew off that whole child molestation charge and now MJ is producing some shitty cd… maybe I can take a vacation and sit down for 5 mins. ring Fuck me MJ did what? Hung his baby off the side of a balcony? Did he touch it? Ok good… But he did what? Fuck!”

And this is every day of his life. Every single day.

Don’t cry for brain damaged Terri whatever her face, cry for mj, he has no brain.

Random thoughts

its funny when you see people that you hadn't seen since grad. it's funny because if you hadn't seen them since grad generally you had no desire to see them ever again. good ol' fox and hounds on a monday night.

"hey!!! hows it going?"

"good"

"so what are you doing?"

"school, and finals gettign ready to work for the summer in kanaskis blah blah blah."

"i just go hit up by my pimp ho boyfriend and moving in with him etc.."

"cool, that must be exciting"

"yeah and kinda scary. because he's been convicted of murdering 5 people including his grandmother"

"yeah i bet"

and the small tlaks goes on, and on and on.

doe sit ever end? do people actually like small tlak like this? do they like tlaking about nothing? why even acknowledge eachother's existence? why must i stop and tlak to people and that is friendly where as being honest and true to myself would have come off like an asshole.

the fact is i don't like tlaking about myself, nor do i like tlaking to someone about their life, or their jobs or what they did on the weekend or where they are moving.

it's fucking pointless. when you hear two people go at for more than 5 minutes with this pointless chit chat conversation you just want to stab one of them in the chest, not because you are a psycho, but because you needed a conversation or event that had slightly more meaning. which is where the knife to the chest comes in. and i mean whats more emaningful than someone gasping for life?

really... boring conversation with your aunt? nuclear explosion! bam! now you are talking. that'd be a great way to start a movie. thats what made sin city so awesome two people seducing eachother with boring film noir dialogue and bam silenced shot to the chest. (i actually love film noir dialogue but i'm going for emphasis rather than personal opinion)

to be honest talking about observed truths or opinions is what actually makes a conversation interesting... tlaking about myself or what someone else is doing with their lives is really a waste of time, i could care less if someone won the lottery unless it affected me in some way.


so i poll my readers
what do you do? do you come off like an asshole and take off abruptly or do you try to come off like a nice guy and drone on in the misery of these play by play conversations?

"do you realize that interest rates are the lowest they have ever been?"

me "yes"

"well the banks have loaned out all this money to people who can just barely afford to make their monthly payments on their houses, and do you know what the bank is gonna do?"

me "no idea"

"they are gonna jack up the interest rates to screw all these people who otherwise couldn't afford these homes which are much too expensive for them, and thats where we will come in."

me "uhhh really?"


heh funny stuff

summ up my day

school sucks

i hate people

4:20 licks elephant testicles

i'm the king of an overly fake laugh and smile

and i feel dirty when i lie

Wishing for Death: good thing i don't own a gun

Do you ever wish for death?

i know i do

it doesn't happen often, but it does happen

last week i wished for death.

now when i say death i don't mean the:

"nobody understands me so i'm going to slit my wrists and bleed all over my parents clean bathtub and end this agony of being misunderstood"

but i mean:

"well i just fucked up. time for me to die"

i had that feeling last week.

and i guarentee you everyone has had this feeling whether they fucked up some soccer goal or pissed their pants at school they've had that feeling. wanting death

as a guy i fuck up usually twice every 3 minutes, but i usually learn to deal with it, except when i fuck up big.

two weekends ago i went on a semi date and at the end of the night the girl asks me

if i liked sushi

logically i said yes, and proceeded to get into my car and bang my head against the steering wheel for a few minutes... i had just fucked up, she was leading on to more than the mere question of whether or not i like sushi. but it was too late. And you all know the feeling: the feeling that you are never going to forgive your brain. ever.



and you can't just not give your brain the silent treatment, your brain goes with you everywhere you go. sure you can punish it with alcohol and reruns of Friends, but it never really leaves you:



it doesn't work that way. you cna't jsut stop talking to your brain like you would if your bestfriend fucked you over. your brain fucked you over. the only logical option is to elminate the problem:



that's right

.45 slug will teach that son of a bitch a lesson. no more hating myself. no more fucking up perfect opportunities. no more second guessing yourself, and missing the most obvious signs god has ever given to you.


when it comes to women it could be a big flashing sign with the words enter here. and i would rationalize it was a coicidence.

in my fighting thing jarren says time and time again that my technique is really good, but i analyze every detail too much. and infact my brain is my own worst enemy.
it needs an off button.

damn nemisis

My Night

This picture of Jay pretty much sums up my night.

as i sit here waiting for drunken Evan to phone me i've come to this conclusion: fuck the world

or more so fuck parties that i am sober at.

now i'm an annoying drunk, which is why i don't like getting drunk, but fuck i hate being at shitty parties when i'm sober.

i can break it down for you people. first the fashion of shitty parties:




ooohhhh lalala




You touch my Tralalala

when we got to bugs house we had the typical party goers:

The small town fags who are convinced they are tough shit because they are from a small town nobody has heard of! Yay.

unity douche“we’re from fucking unity”

me“good for you!”

some other guy "fags!"

unity douche“hey I wouldn’t say that there’s a bunch of us here from unity”

me“well theres a lot more here from saskatoon”

unity douche“wanna go?”

me“dude I’m twice your height. No”

unity douche“well don’t say shit about Unity”

“heh yeah okay”

fag

I hate people, and I hate large quantities of people I don’t know and have no desire to know. They all have them same story, same shitty jobs, same drunken stories where

“I took 7 shots of this green amnesty and ¾ ‘s of a 2/6 of rye and all I remember is 20 minutes at the scuz and 10 minutes at my house… yeah I’m told I almost got hit by a car on central, that was a crazy night dude. It’s always crazy here at bugs”

“hehehe yeah man that is crazy”

“yeah this other time I drank …..”

same boring story same fake smile from me, same fake laugh from me, same uninterest from me. I hate it. I’m so fake.

Same fat girls hitting on any and every guy

Same guys trying to cop a feel, same random awkward conversations

Same guy showing these girls who were very seriously impressed with this guy, who got his first name tattooed to the side of his chest… just incase he got so drunk he forgot his name, or where he lived.

Same loud obnoxious girls.

It’s funny how I could have sooo much energy with just one person last night and none at all with 100 people having a good time. In fact all I wanted to do tonight is phone up this person, but I told myself I would wait until Sunday night.

anyway pre-house party was awesome:

My duty as a Proud Canadian

My duty as a Proud Canadian

Society is fucked people

there are many things wrong with the world (canada) that we live in. i could talk about how our newspapers sensationalize stonechild or a world war 2 vetern stating jews caused world war 2 and etc.. (i don't agree with the events but i think it's bullshit how it has become a media frenzy) but i won't.

there is a much more pressing issue, that affects us all

fat people

I was eating in the Arts and Science Cafteteria around 5:30 one day when i realized something:

there are alot of ridiculously overweight people in the world. now i don't mean chunky, i mean fat. and i mean huge. this is no freshman 15... unless i am missing a decimal or 3.

fatties and there are a lot of fat people in the world

60% of the North America's population is overweight and yet only 30% think they are overweight and i guarntee you out of that 30% i bet they are all skinny anoxeciate bitches that think they are fat cause they weigh 42 pounds....and i mean that's not good either. that's cause for problems

and that's the sad truth of the world someone like her



probably thinks she's a fat whale while this one:



probably thinks life is a-okay.

now i know i'm being very harsh and very cruel in my approach especially that i'm being very, very derogatory in my approach to women. but theres a reason for this, and that fact is even a decent looking guy generally thinks he's an ugly beast, let alone a fat mess of a man. they know they are ugly and they probably know that they should say no to cheezies... but they don't. but atleast they are aware that they are a beast.

girls on the otherhand they have no idea lots of them that they are abeast, and while i could only wish to have self confidence like them, i still am awed/disgusted nontheless when they try sooo hard... or convince themselves that the rolls under their armspits is their misguided six pack.

all the truly fat people out there don't even acknowledge it, they go on thinking that life is great. but i mean come on here. and i know i'm one to talk, because i've been a scrawny little bitch all my life.

when i was 5 people would ask if that pciture in my dad's wallet was of his sponsored ethipion.

"hey is that a pciture of your sponsored ehtipian?"

"uhh no thats my son"

"you know... i didn't know they had grass in ethipoia"

but see i eat healthy, i make sure i balance my diet, i never eat fast food, i drink small quantities of alcohol, i work out and run, and box once to twice a week. and i try to keep active except during this time of the year where i'm pulling out my hair i'm so stressed.

these fatties though are everywhere and when i say fat i mean when i'm sitting on the bus i will have to sit on only one ass cheek because they take up so much space. like why? why must i go through this? there is no reason.

why would you do that to yourself?

people tell me it's hireditary and that these people can't help it, well when i see them buying two bags of chips and putting 4 creams into their coffee i don't think you can blame that kind of diet on genetics. like honestly explain that to me.

or wait my favorite line is it's natural

really? natural? fuck that. big boned is natural. but when you have rolls upon rolls and i can't find your real chin that is not natural. people are not supposed to look like the blob. i don't care what your mom says about you, because that is not natural. in today's society there are few things we do that is natural. if you want natural forgo those Doritos and live off of berries and venesin. not fucking processed ice cream and etc.. don't give me that shit.

And i mean, okay, i can deal having to look at extremely fat people, i can deal with it, just wear your muu-muu and get out of my face

but then i have to go to the bar and see these fatties caress my leg as i'm waiting in line for a drink at the bar, i jsut pretend its the wind or try desperately to imagine halle berry... desperately is the key word. but it is hard to imagine halle berry owns fingers resembling marshmellows... but i have a good imination right? and besides there's nothing i can do...and really what these peopel thinking? if i were say drunk enough to imagine sleeping with them it would be impossible phsycically. i would be dead as one of her legs is bigger than the circumference of my chest... like i mean i would sufficate and seriosuly dead as a result of sleeping with that cow. the csi guys would show up and the first thing they would say is

Stylish CSI guy/girl:"ooohhhhman how'd he die?"

Stylish CSI guy/girl#2: Suffication... in the you know.. worse way pssible"

Stylish CSI guy/girl: that guy better have 3.8% or higher blood alcohol lvl otherwise i'm going to be very dissapointed.... very disappointed"


yeah and then to top off the carressing of my leg they HAVE TO WEAR THE SHORTEST MINI SKIRTS!

like come on here, if you go to any given club in saskatoon for every hot girl that is dressed skanky there is atleast 5 that are fat ho's. it's the one time of the week these people can get out of their muumuu's and suck in their gut for 5 hours and make me hate life.

i was watching underworld with kate beckinsdale and i said to lance...

Me: "god why don't more girls wear tight leather?"

and he responded with

Lance:"do you realize how many fatties would be dressed like that then?"

Me: "oh yeah... i forgot about that... good point."

Lance" you are sometimes really stupid"

Me: "i know"

the worse case scenrio is when a girl you like is best friends with annoying overweight cow. i still haven't figured it out:

1) do you treat the person like ahuman being and occassionaly make eye contact?

2) ignore completely?

see here's what i think why hot girls befriend really fat people. it's a defence mechanism, see the actual logic behidn it is this:

"if i find a really ugly woman to be my friend any guy who is interested in me must be REALLY interested in me, because not only will he have to have the nerve to talk to me, but he'll have to do soemthing i know he'll really hate: talk to my friend.. brwahahaha... and then maybe tell him to go dance with her, i'm soooo evil"

yes you are, yes you are queen she-bitch

nothing offsets a guy's motivation than a huge fat freind, and it's more than a physical barrier it's on a much higher level.

i had a friend once who asked me

"If you had the chnace to get with the hottest woman you've ever seen but in order to do that you had to get with her ridiculously ugly and fat friend as well and have a 3some?"

"how ugly"

"hideous"

"ok that's pretty ugly dude"

"yeah it was"

"i don't think i could do it."

"yeah"

"personal experience?"

"yeah"

"heh really? did you do it?"

"I don't think so"

"well thats maybe good?"

"a few more beers and i would have done it though"

"good thing you know your limit"

"Yeah but she was smoking... i almost wish i did it"

see that girl ruined my friends life. he hasn't been the same man since.... and its all because she couldn't say yes to the stairmaster

there are so many levels to which this is frustrating,



why? why people? why must there be this evil? why doesn't bush combat this evil? i'm sure most people would agree this is a risk to the nation. i think healthy living classes should be a requiremnt in schools. i think managing your health should be mandatory.



now to be realaistic here it's fine if someone is heavy i don't have a problem with that by any means, eating healthy and working out and etc should be done no matter what kind of body size you are. but i mean typically many of these people don't even try to improve themselves. health canada has been bashign their brains over desks for years trying desperately to send the message that canada is a fat mess! and not just politically i mean it litterally, and as a proud candian i am passing on the message for health canada. because me and health canada are like this &

canada is getting fatter, soon cartoons will potrary canadians the same way the swedish are potrayed now. and i just couldn't live with that.

say yes to the stairmaster!
say no to fatties






and i'm shallow i will admit... to some degree.

i'm going to hell

The Answer to Saskatchewan Driving

Saskatchewan Driving
Is bad

In fact Saskatchewan driving is so bad that it is common knowledge that when you see that god forsaken license plate “the land of the living skies” you steer far clear of that son of bitch behind the wheel, take the scenic route if you must, but god help you avoid that green and white license plate at all costs.

This is Saskatchewan driving, it’s fucking unbelievably bad

Three days ago I was driving to the school for my boxing/fighting thing, and I’m coming from circle drive and merging into Preston from the Attridge overpass.

And as a reminder to those that forget Preston has it’s own lane for people merging onto it coming from circle drive, so there is no need to yield. However as I’m coming around the corner accelerating to 60 this fucker is stopped at the very beginning of the whole lane on Preston. So I have to go “whoah shit” and lock up my brakes and come within a few feet of slamming into the back of his shit car.

So okay now I’m thinking what the fuck is this guy doing? And he’s waiting and he’s waiting and he’s waiting finally there is a break in the 2 nearest lanes of traffic. (there are 4 and he’s sitting in one of them) it’s a fucking huge break in the traffic and he’s doesn’t go, so I slam on my manly American style horn, and hits his sissy topaz horn repeatedly and shakes his fist at me as if I’m in the wrong… what the fuck?

Here I am waiting for this 35+ asshole who doesn’t understand the laws of traffic and is honking his topaz horn at me repeatedly while he sits there with 2 lanes of traffic COMPLETELY OPEN. So then finally all 3 lanes open for him so that he can drive perpendicular to the traffic and make a right hand turn. Then I merged like I was planning on it and was able to get across all 3 lanes of traffic without a problem or having to wait until every single lane of traffic was open.



That was fucking ridiculous

He should turn in his license and his car and his fucking testicles while he’s at it because that was the worst driving I have witnessed…since the last time I got in my car and went anywhere in Saskatoon…. See the problem?

When I finally made it to the school for boxing/navy seal training I told Jarren this and told him how I thought about getting my tire iron out and going to work on the fucking topaz. Maybe beat some sense into him.

And jarren said

“Yeah in Edmonton it’s pretty common for road rage and tire irons through windows and people getting torn out of their car for fucking up on the road... but it never happens here, which is why I love saskatoon”

and then it hit me

I realized the answer to all of Saskatchewan’s driving problems

We don’t beat the fuck out of shitty drivers nearly enough.

When I was a kid when I fucked up I didn’t know I really fucked up until I got the wooden spoon or something, then and only then I knew that I fucked up.

When a country fucks up the answer is blowing the fuck out of the country that fucked up, that’s the only way for those political leaders to learn. Some of you may say war doesn’t solve anything, but answer me this:

If it weren’t true why do people still go to war? And why is it that wars end? Obviously war works, the same way beating people into submission works.

So there you go, if you want people to learn you have to beat it into them, this is what Saskatoon lacks. It lacks guys beating the fuck out of people who stop at a green lights, who have to come to a complete stop to merge onto circle drive, who turn into oncoming traffic. We need people like YOU (my readers) to bust out their tire irons and help Saskatchewan’s driving reputation.

Edmonton has a wonderful driving reputation. why? because people get the shit kicked out of them when they fuck up. we need that.

SASKATOON NEEDS YOU & YOUR TIRE IRON!



So ladies and gentlemen I’ve created a recruitment process if you have a tire iron and will swear to my code of conduct you may join me in my quest for tire iron good ness.

To join us you must

1. Own a Tire Iron, and possess the know how on how to effectively bash a window in. (Evan you can’t come I’ve seen you with a baseball bat)
2. Must swear to uphold the laws of traffic and know how to evaluate when a tire iron bashing is appropriate
3. Must always resort to the tire iron, merely flipping off and horn honking will never suffice for a good tire iron to the face.
4. Must Swear never to stop on the merge onto circle drive, and NEVER EVER go less than the speed limit in the left lane, especially on the highway.

If you swear by these 4 simple rules I will welcome you into

TBA

Tire Bashing Anonymous

Save Saskatchewan people, and only you can do it!