Sarcasm and Cyncism = bad combo platter

Who would have thought that sarcasm mixed with cynicism was a bad combination? Like seriously where was the common sense fairy on that one? The combination of the two is like when that dude mixed bleach with floor cleaner and made mustard gas by accident and just about killed himself… who knew?

Who knew making fun of Denny’s would be a bad idea around a girl who actually works there? Worst yet she is one of the 4:00 am servers in Saskatoon. Smooth.

When someone is searching your music library and they say “I love Dashboard Confessionals” and you say “ actually my itunes hasn’t updated because i deleted all of their albums… because I hate them” isn’t really all that great of an idea either.

I think my biggest problem is I totally lack this thing that really isn’t so common, but none-the-less it is known as “ Common Sense”.

Today while working a function this 30ish year-old hot blonde cougar asks me what I’m doing after the function as I’m pouring like 80 drinks (because it was a 185 person function, which is a lot for a host tab) and anyway I say probably nothing, and she says “you should come to woody’s that’s where we are going”

I of course responded with “I’ve already decided that spending every one of my paychecks there is waste of time”

“You should come out, because that’s where we’ll be”

“Yeah”

about 20 minutes later I figured out that she was hitting on me, however, unfortunately I’m retarded.

Common sense is reserved for those people who will not die alone- sarcasm and cynicism also ensure that I will die a miserable cranky bastard who will tell girls that it wouldn’t surprise him if they were ever to be raped. And as a reminder I don’t do it out of assholism, but instead out of sheer tardation

This post kinda sucks,

but it's been a month since i've really written anything



Cooks are NOT front of house material, just fyi

Cooks choose to live the life of an underpaid skilled labourer because that is all that they can ever hope to accomplish without going into construction. Cooks can have coke problems, cooks can be complete morons who bitch about nothing, cooks can be unapproachable or grumpy, and cooks can get away with this because when it comes down to it- cooks are the definition of a sketchpad.


Definition: Sketchpad
-Noun
1. An ill-tempered and unpredictable individual
2. A societal reject

Related forms

Cook, Cooking, Nova Scotian

Professional cooks, as a rule are very ridiculous: last summer at the golf course we went through 3 Sou Chefs and evetually they just gave up on hiring them for that year.

The difference between front of house and back of house staff is that back of house can get away with perpetual mood swings and an overall shitty attitude. Front of house can’t get away with those things, they can have a shitty attitude but they can’t really express it to the same degree as a cook.


The Sou chef who is now doing easily the most horrid looking server I’ve seen to date (except for Denny’s servers at 4:00 am, but then again does anyone look good at 4:00 am? … well if there are people who look good at 4:00 am it sure as hell isn’t the Denny’s staff nor is it this girl.) anyway our Sou imagines himself running off with this girl and becoming a bartender at the exec inn.

Between his pan throwing, his cursing out staff, making servers cry and his overall terrible attitude I think he’d be an overall very approachable bartender… yeah.



i apologize for this post.

Wolf Parade

The concert on Tuesday was quite awesome.

I got off work at 6:45 and the concert started at 8:00 i rushed home changed and went over to chris's at 7:00 to pick him up. however, chris had taken off to a party in canmore. the fucker. i was pretty choked to say the least considering i reminded him the night before and he seemed super pumped still.

That event worked as a bit of a kick to the head for me, as it has given me the idea that i should really re-evaluate how i'm approaching life if i'm not only getting stood up by 5'5 100 pound girls but also 6'1 250 pound men.

such as life.

anyway still went to the concert and frog eyes and wolf parade were both great and i really enjoyed the show they put on.

Goals are Cliché

Ever notice how people’s goals are generally pretty common, or they are at the minimum very unoriginal? For example: eating cheese and wine in France and having tea and crumpets in England really aren’t really orignal ideas, infact MILLIONS of people do it every day!!!! these alleged 'goals' are merely ‘pictures in-front of monuments’.

They brag that hey I was in this country! LOOK AT ME!!!

On my first date with my ex exwhose name went by the ring of corrine I asked her to tell me something she hated, and with very little hesitation she said she hated people who travel and take pictures of themselves in front of major monuments: ie Mount Rushmore.

This is because all that they are doing is advertising that “Hey I’ve been to this place” I’m a well cultured, well traveled individual and I saw this place with my own eyes and not on some postcard!

And while to most of you, it really doesn’t sound all that criminal- my point is that everyone does it.

Everyone listens or listened to Blink 182, everyone breathes air, everyone hates their ex girlfriends, and everyone who has goals have the same goals or nearly so of everyone else. Drink Guinness in Ireland on St Patrick’s Day! Drink Beer at Octoberfest in Germany etc….

On the entrance to Kanaskis there is a giant sign that says “Kanaskis Country”, and there is always people standing in front of the sign taking pictures.

I sometimes fantasize losing control of my car and plowing into them.

I mean the sign isn’t even original! It doesn’t say something witty, or fun like “New York is Big, but Biggar is Biggar” it’s not beautiful, and there is no scenic screenshot behind it! Why the pictures?

The pictures say “hey I was at the legendary kanaskis and I saw a deer!” and had I driven to Saskatchewan I woulda been able to take one home with me… on the grill of my dodge ram.

Yay!

People suck which is why i've created my very own list of very rarely increasing goals that reflect my values


My goals are as follows:

Being Original

If I went to France I’d eat Pizza and drink sake, and I’d take pictures of the ground, not many sober people do that on purpose, but I’ll do it because I’m original.. and not cliché like the rest of you douchebags.

The general population of women are kinda stupid

If you are looking for a sexually frustrated rant about how women play with men’s minds you won’t find that here, but instead you will find an objective venture into the female psyche.

Now I was watching “Failure to Launch” with two girls the other night, (don’t ask how or why) and as I was watching this farce of a movie I realized that women are complete morons. They are stupid, and hollywood producers know this, they know that they are stupid and thus they pump out formulated chick flicks and date movies. Most chick flick scripts are the exact same except they change the names of the people and sometimes the Actors. The producers however do occasionally screw up and forget that they used the same actors with the exact same script without changing any of the names this was evident in “You’ve got mail” and “Sleepless in Seattle”.

As a matter of fact producers were scared shitless days before they were going to release “You’ve got Mail”

Nora Ephron: “Shit, shit, SHIT! guys we forgot to change the names or even the actors in this movie! It is exactly the same as “Sleepless in Seattle”! The public will revolt for treating them like complete morons! What do we do!?”

NewLine cinema: “Meh, I'll bet you 10 bucks that people(mainly women with their whipped boyfriends) are so stupid this movie will make it’s budget in the first two weeks of release.”

and that newline cinema guy got his 10 bucks.

You could not possibly ask for a more formulated story/characters/plot if you tried. It’s been done! Done to death!

A quirky handsome bachelor meets an attractive sweet and sensitive girl the two have some kind of encounter but due to sheer persistence of the bachelor he finally dates the girl. Both characters have very quirky acquaintances and friends that make the two protagonists seem excruciatingly normal in relative terms. Everything is going great between the two protagonists they are falling hopelessly in love, and supposedly hilarious things happen such as the father fancies himself as a nudist and the protagonist is constantly harassed by animals. Then someone fucks up or the pretenses of how they met are shown, one or both of them get mad and refuses to talk to each other then eventually for whatever reason (this is the part that is unrealistic, because in real life if you fuck up once that’s it you’re done. Proof oof this is found in the docu-drama seinfeld.) there is one big last monologue of apology and undieing love. They kiss, the quirky friends kiss, the chipmunks kiss and they all live happily ever after. The Fucking End.

After the movie was over I was asked what I thought of it and I said that I hated it, and they said “oh you’re just filled with hate and scorn” which is a condition known to the French as being alive.

If this example is not proof enough, it is the simple fact that men can buy women’s love the same way I could buy a pet monkey’s love: by producing bananas and shiny things. In doing this both creatures will love me forever.

Pretty simple I’d say, pretty simple indeed.


If I were to ask a girl what her favorite movie were and she started with “Failure to Launch, Hitch, Casanova and etc…” I would know to stay away from her because she is probably wearing a diaper and can barely spell her own name.

If you think I’m being ridiculous imagine if you asked a dude what his favorite movies were and he said “Mission Impossible 2, The Fast and the Furious, and Gone in 60 Seconds”…