Nothing really to add

Like the title implies i have really nothing to say- i have however, been thinking about going on a vacation i hear Lebanon is nice this time of year.

The Problem with Townies

Kanaskis is no different than the rest of Alberta- if you were to look at pie chart of where Alberta’s demographic grew up (specifically Calgary) it would easily eat up 40% of the chart with small town Saskatchewan kids and the other 40% Alberta small town kids.

Calgary and area is covered in redneck white collar workers, and Kanaskis is in a similar boat.

The other day I was talking to two servers, Andy had been asked out by a guy on a date and she kinda freaked, and now she was discussing what action she should take... as all girls do.

Julie who grew up in only god knows where saskatchewan said that she’d freak too if someone asked her out on a date, especially if she only kinda knew the guy. (which means they talk on a social level but don’t directly hang out with one another, which is why this fool asked Andy out on a date) anyway so I said well it’s probably the only way you’ll really get a feel for what this guy is like is if you go on a date, and a date isn’t scary, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

Then Julie says “I’ve never been on a date”

Then I said “well how is it that you’re going out with Jerry?”

She said in a very matter-of-fact tone “well you just find out that this guy kinda likes you, then I’d get drunk with him and hook up, and then after in the morning we might go watch a movie at either of our houses or something during the day”

I was kinda surprised someone would argue against going out on a date because it was creepy and weird , but suggest that a one night drunken hookup was normal... I said “Julie you are 24 yearsold, you’ve never been on a date, and you reasoned that dates are creepy and awkward but sleeping with guy and then asking for his name later isn’t? … and none of that is creepy, but being asked out on a date is?!? You’re such a hillbilly.”

She just kinda shrugged her shoulders and half assed tried to defend herself, but she knew it was true. She is a hillbilly. As are most of the people out here, and me and hillbillies clash in a lot of areas.

Such as sarcasm

There’s this one server named kristy. kristy uses the words “you idiot” far from sparingly when you are around her (even while working ) and she uses the word fuck more in 20 minutes than the 3 hours length of the movie casino. She’s a trucker who will spend 400 dollars at the bar, and she basically cuts people down all the time... so I figured sweet! finally a server who deals out sarcasm, so I started hitting her with my normal amount of sarcasm- perhaps a little bit more because I figured she could handle it… but no, instead she walks up to my bar and says “look if you hate me that much don’t talk to me”

… fucking hillbilly.

In the office Brian asked how the function went, i said good but I think I pissed off kristy, and she turns to me and says “there is so much I could say about you right now, but I won’t because you can’t handle it”

And I remarked with “I don’t think you know me well enough to tell what I can and can’t handle”

That really pissed her off, anyway I expect she’ll get over it when I turn down the sarcasm.


I’m sure she is used to being the black sheep that would deal it out, but since she is a town of 10 she can’t handle it when it goes two ways.

Another thing: she always talks about her boyfriend and his well endowed vocabulary, his pumping appreciation for books, and his unending stamina for wine.


If I grossed you out, I meant to.

Anyway this trucker has an imagination for class, but between the word fuck and her most exhausting book in her room being Tuesday’s With Morrie I wouldn’t know where to begin.

If I were a guy I would try to emanate some sort classy persona without being a condescending ass which would pretty much ensure a guy all those trucker girls who dream of class. But I am an ass and condescending so I’m fucked.


Overall Kanaskis is populated with mainly small town people who are used to going to one single bar over and over again, and thus they have become accustomed to the routine that it is out here... I just can’t play the dice because I like variety, I like awkward dates, and I like two-way sarcasm.

Comm 101

The other day I got a phone call at 11:30 at night, I honestly put my pants on after work and my cell phone was ringing (I already had 15 missed calls from home) I seriously thought someone had died or there was an accident.

When I picked up i did not get hello or how's it going all i got was:

“where the fuck have you been?”

my mother who was the one calling me, had been trying to get ahold of me because my brother had not registered for his first year of commerce… and it was already 9 days since registration. All of his classes that he was required to take (and commerce has a super rigid class list requirements) were full. And my parents couldn’t figure out how to use paws, so I said I’d handle it if you gave me what classes he needed and his login info.

Needless to say revenge was mine. Revenge for all those times he stole my x-men cards or blew up my ninja turtles I finally had a chance to serve my sweet sweet revenge 10 years later…

Muahahaha


He’s going to be going to university at 7:30 in the morning and won’t be able to leave until like 10:30 at night with only 3 classes placed strategically between there so that it won’t be worth him leaving the university and coming back. He’ll be stuck there forever!

However, I started to rethink this plan, as I felt that ruining his life for an entire year may be a little extreme for stealing x men cards I don’t even care about anymore… but then I remembered that he’s now a commerce student, and thus he’s no longer a real person anyway.


brwaahahaha

Okay an attempt at wit

I seriously have been sitting at my computer for the last 2 hours on my day off pounding my skull for something witty to write about.

Wit

To be witty

Probably one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone makes a comment or thinks they are being super witty or funny when really they are being fucking retarded.

For example for me the number 1 comment I get from stupid 18 yearold girls or my extended family is

“wow you are really tall”

really this statement is a pointless use of words, I’ve been cornered with such a limited response that I shutterr every time I hear it.

My options are super limited

A) super cynical snide comment meant to demean the person

“you noticed that hey? Most people I meet aren’t quick enough to pick up on that fact, but you are.”

B) uhh yeah really option B isn’t really an option because it is such a retarded statement that I could not bring myself to not be an asshole about it.

I’ve probably heard it about 50 times since i’ve been out here this year alone, and every time these people say it with a grin on their face like they discovered something that the rest of the world hasn’t figured out.

I am totally pumped for univeristy this year.

People have asked me how’s k country numerous times, I barely if ever answer honestly, or fully... but here’s the low down.

I’ve become a total mother bitch motherfucker. Who would have thought?


I don’t know if being out here has brought out the worst in me, or if it were a series of events that occurred throughout last year. But as it stands, I am a total bastard, and at the same time, I am not fake- I am as genuine and as real as gravity.

As of day 1 being out here, I have barely strayed from previously established friends from last year, and as a matter of fact I barely associate with my best friends from last year. And I actually pride myself in having the fewest friends out of anyone else out here.

Hilariously enough I have not engaged in small talk or chit chat with anyone: when I go to the staff cafeteria and there are people who I literally spent my entire summer with last year talking to non-stop, I ignore them- I honestly sit there and eat and don’t say a single thing, and even if someone say “Andrea” who was my best friend last year talks to me about the weather or some shit that is so obviously superficial filler with no purpose I’ll say “yeah” or some other method of ending the conversation. Other people who I don’t know or care to know I’ll just ignore if they tried that shit with me.

I don’t know how I got to this point, people have commented on it, but I feel there is perhaps less pressure to be on the spot when I’m being honest.

But then again everyone out here is petty, young, and extremely shallow.

And I am a crusty old bastard stuck in a 21 yearold body.

I feel like I have aged a decade since last year, I feel like I have seen it all and know it all, and the future is bleak and unforgiving.

My taste is wine has jumped dramatically since last year: bottles I loved taste like vinegar to me today. I no longer question my reason for existence or the meaning of life, because I realize we do what we do because we must. We do it because it is easy and this is how things are, this is how the cookie crumbles or the gravy stains the shirt.

I don’t even really care about anything- I was kinda seeing a girl, but I changed my mind in days- no real reason, I just decided I didn’t want a girlfriend, or anything. I was totally happy for about 4 days, and decided I like being miserable better.

It was funny I was really, really really drunk canada day and there was a fire alarm pulled on floor 700, so this girl jamie and myself went to check it out- I was so drunk I barely recall any of this. She ended up getting caught taking a pack of pizza pops and effectively had every single one of the guys on 700 and all of the proshop on mine and especially her ass… and I love it. Years ago I could not stand being hated by a fly, and now I am hated by 1/3 of the golf course and love it. The guy who caught us, well mainly jamie as I can’t stand pizza pops anyway and thus would never steal them, tried night and day to get us fired from the golf course. it would never happen, however that is beside the point. The fact that he tried so diligently to get people fired from the golf course over 1.50 worth of pizza pops blows my mind. I would have written my resignation if he could have reenacted how he tried to convince my boss (and best friend out here) why I should be fired over stealing a 1.50 worth of pizza pops with a straight face and without sounding like a complete dipshit.

Hilariously enough I think he may get axed… which won’t stop the rest of his floor hating me.

I love it. I no longer have to pretend to be interested in anything these meathead guys have to say, I no longer have to worry about giving any of them rides to work as they would honestly choose to crawl on their hands on knees through lava than ask for a ride from me… It’s great.


I’m definitely unreasonably jaded by my growing up in the north end of Saskatoon.

Misery is a Butterfly

I think i prefer being miserable.

When i say that what i mean is when i get something i want i decide i no longer want and

A) Purposely mess it up
B) Realize i never wanted it
C) Subconcsiously ruin it
D) Become so ungraciously over-confident that i ruin it

It's not that i don't wish for happiness, but i instead constantly sabatoge it for myself for some reason or just choose inaction when action is so obviously the right choice.

The funny thing is, i'm totally okay with this realization.

I fell in love with my hairdresser the yesterday- she seemed to hate life (not a true hater of life, but she seemed uninterested in dealing with me, as if i was just another asshole whose hair she had to cut. she wasn't bubbly, or energetic, she was there to cut hair and not deal with idle chit chat). Ironically, i generally hate idle chit chat, but since she wasn't initiaiting it, i took ont he role- in my own way. I've never been able to talk to someone so freely as nothing i said was inappropriate or over the top because i could be as sarcastic as i wanted with no restraints and her vice versa and nothing i said was too weird for someone i met 5 minutes ago. it was refreshing. i probably will never see her again, but i realized i need more of that in my life and less french, less country, less university and more sarcastic bitch that i don't have to impress.

i'm thinking of moving on to goths, but just ones who do it because they are so sarcastic they don't fit with any other group. that is my calling in life.

when she tells me her bestfriend is getting married and i say how long do you figure until they divorce and she responds with "5 years max". then i'll know that i'm in the ballpark, more or less.


so to summarize i don't hate life, but just enjoy misery... it's too bad i'm not an artist of any sort which would power my artistic talent... and if there was a day where i wasn't miserable i could always cheat and become an absinthe alcoholic.

Ugh University

Registering for classes is more tedious, than i care to acknoweldge this year.

i just realized because i bombed a class last year i'll be short 6 credits to graduate... which is wonderful.

i also realized that my visions of a microeconomic degree are basically non-existant, or not possible ebcause of the extreme shortage of micro economic classes, and the few to choose from go into supply and demand of monopolies or perfect competetion, wheras i want to understand the utility theory of economic theory.

which means i want to know why the fuck someone will spend 4.25 on a drink in saskatoon but will find 4.75 waaay too expensive.

i want to know why people from different areas of a city order different typpes of alcohol. (some collective groups of people drink nothing but gin everything, where other groups of people will drink rye, and it all collective, they all drink rye or they all drink gin).

i want to know why parents will show up 10-45 minutes late to pickup their children if there is no fee, but if you attached a fee for every minute late, the babysitter will expiernce not only more frequent latecomers but for a significantly longer time period.

unfortunately all i get to learn is how to predict the future growth of an entire economy on some obscure mathematical observations...

hurraay!

Ode to Sangria

Oh Sangria how i love thee,

how you turn shitty wine good and alcoholicy.

where you turn otherwise terrible nights into drunken chaoitic adventures.

So the other nighti got drunk off of a pitcher of sangria and decided to go to the bar, because i for once this year, didn't hate life at that moment. thanks to you sangria!

it was kind of hilarious i was talking about why guys continuously buy women drinks because it barely if ever increases their chances of being with them, and yet they continuously do it. i finished it saying that it probably increases their chance by .5% which is when i turned to this french girl i've been flirting with and said " so would you mind if i increased my chances by .5%?"

it was hilariously one of my smoother moments.

hopefully she isn't using me for my wit.


... actually as i was writing the tales of my drunken and hilarious adventures i decided that they weren't all that funny unless you were there watching me piece together the last couple of nights. the blackouts are hilarious the burn marks on my shirt and the reasons why an entire floor of guys want to murder jamie and myself, the unaccounted amounts of money and alcohol consumed. i just didn't even know where to begin.