You don't have it bad, so shut up.

People I hate

It is November 30th, 2005, currently if you are a student you are also completing your final week of semester 1. And if you are 1 of the 20,000 other students attending the University of Saskatchewan and consist of the 90% of the people who feel the need to bitch and moan about school nonstop I’d like you to slit your wrist and consume a bottle of rat poison. Say this only because life is not going to get better than this, this is it my friends.

“oh woe is me I have it so tough, no one else at school understands how much work I have to do this week I hate school blah blah blah”

this talk above is merely subliminal messaging for wanting a bottle over the face… because as it stands, I cannot think of another way of shutting these people up.

Now is the time that I should be attending school but not attending seems like the far superior choice, I may successfully bomb out of school in the final week like moron, but it would be worth it just so I wouldn’t have to put up with the incessant moaning of 20,000 whores that call themselves students.

Like I thought about writing SHUT THE FUCK UP and post it in between every word of this post so that people would eventually get my subliminal hint. However since I’m dealing with morons,my point would still remain aloof... well there’s that fact, and the fact that 3 people read this site (including myself)… so that Idea would be rendered useless just by the lack of volume of people I really do hate reading this. Unless it’s keeley or dave then I’d like to say I hate you both.

Anyway back to my point.

The point is this, if you are a student and you are enrolled in university then you should understand that near the end of the year the shit hits the fan. It happens, and if this is your 2nd 3rd or 4th year you should be fucking used to the routine of getting your shit pushed in. It happens every December and unless you’ve been preparing for this occasion throughout the year you’ll be crushed like a maggot under a feather… assuming the feather had the same weight and density as a cinderblock. tough.

I was out for lunch the other day and a girl I knew said hey how it going

I replied with “wonderful”

And she said “that’s awfully strange for someone to say at this time of the year”

In my mind I was desperately searching for a reason for the day not to be wonderful, was it an assassination? Remembrance day? 9/11? New nickelback cd?

I was dumbfounded so I said

“what do you mean?”

Her “well it’s the last week of school “

Me “ oh that yeah it’s great”

Her “why’s that?”

Me “well I should be used to it, it is my 3rd year and at least I know it’s coming and can prepare for it…”

and she said "yeah I guess..." and then continued to interrupt my perfectly wonderful conversation with my date for her groaning about some class I didn’t care about and how screwed she is. Dumb bitch.


I hate people

touche

God Save Horatio Caine!

What would you rather do watch CSI Miami or contract syphilis?




Tough questions, tough questions indeed, in one case you’d prolly have sex, but if you’re reading this site the chances are it’d be a man who told you he was a woman. Once syphilis had been established, you would suffer from years of absolute pain which would lead, inevitably, to your banishment from society...


And in the other case you’d have to endure an hour of cliché ridden 2-dimensional characters spouting nonsense, clumsily communicating with one another in ways seen only in the computer labs of universities… but I suppose CSI Miami should be commended for that aspect, as it is realistic, after all, all these csi types aren’t cops but instead nerds. Epitome of nerds. My uncle is a forensic scientist for the rcmp, he sits in a lab all day and examines paint chips off of boats… all day. He’s lucky if can articulate his own name let alone where he is or the time of day.


So as ridiculous as the plot and characters of CSI may be, when you hear dialogue such as:

Horatio Caine: The killer just made his second mistake.
Yelena Salas: What was his first?
Horatio Caine: Murder.

You know that this is real, this is how alpha nerds communicate to other nerds, if you have never witnessed this type of communication you will need to trust me, and accept that this is how they do it in that culture. For exmaple: In other some cultures the man asks the woman if they’re out of beer, toilet paper, shotgun shells and tv guides by beating their wives. In nerd cultures they communicate with the opposite sex as depicted below.






I would also like to point out that I purposely drew the characters two dimensional as a means of showing the depth of their character as well... god I’m sooo poetic, but not nearly as poetic as some of this dialogue… actually can you even call it dialogue?

Don: Look, Horatio, we're on the same side.
Horatio Caine: I'd like to think so.
Don: Yeah. Well, we are in the middle of the trial. We've already picked the jury, we called our experts, we spent over a million dollars in taxpayers money... Horatio Caine: We have new evidence.
Don: Yeah. Well, that's what appeals are all about. Listen, this is not about the case anymore. Now, it's about winning.
Horatio Caine: Well, you know what then? We're not on the same side.


Like that is brilliant almost as good as that poetry I posted almost a year ago.


Horatio Caine: The only thing that matters is the evidence.


Horatio Caine: When you have everything, sometimes it feels like nothing.

There is no such thing as always

Lately the two most frequently asked questions that I have received have been:

1) How is it that you such a bitter son of a bitch?
And
2) Will you please get out of my way?

To answer question 2 would require too much time that I do not have, so instead I’ll try my best to explain question 1.

Being a bitter bitch isn’t nearly as easy as I make it sound, because in reality it is complicated and time consuming way of presenting oneself; as it requires a razor sharp wit and a comprehensive understanding of human nature. I will try to break it down as simplified as possible so that you, my devoted readers, may learn how to follow in my footsteps.

There are three very important aspects in becoming more like myself- a bitter son of a bitch, which are:

1) become excessively moody

This is not easy, as it requires a number of bi-polar mood swings that will occur frequently throughout the course of the day, pills are usually the easiest for this, but it takes true skill to do it with sheer willpower.

My best suggestion is to mimic the mood swings of pmsing soccer mom on an overdose of bitch… or you can mimic the mood swings of sean either is sufficient for our overall objective.

2) Neutrality doesn’t exist


There is no such thing is I have no opinion on any subject… especially people. There are bastards and then there are people that are not bastards but there is no grey area.

For example:

You meet some person for the first time, and rather than taking the time to get to know the person and judge him/her on the basis of their actions and etc… you prejudge the person on the spot based on clothes, posture, or you can just flip a coin (heads = asshole, tales = asshole). My personal favorite is deciding that the person will be an asshole before you even meet him/her. (it’s easier this way as it is safe, and you’ll never have to worry about getting close enough to this person to change your mind.)… but on the off chance you do get to know the person nothing is more frustrating than changing your mind and saying that he/she is NOT an asshole…

3) Anything that sounds too good to be true: IS!

This is probably the most important aspect to becoming a bitter son of a bitch, and perhaps the most mentally demanding. Only the most intelligent marsupials have figured out how to accomplish this third step effectively one hundred percent of the time.

It requires that everything you say must be in some form or another cynical and or sarcastic and bitter to the point of being obnoxious.

"Dunc good news Alan just proposed to me!!"

I have 4 possible options to choose from, and only one response will correctly portray me as a bitter bitch.

a) "That’s great to hear Ashley! I’m super happy for you and Alan"
b) "My testicles itch"
c) "Awesome I haven’t been to a good bachelor party is eons!"
d) "I’d give the both of you 3 years … 4 max"

in this case d) would be the one and only correct statement. I know most inexperienced individuals would have a tough time choosing between b) and d) but that is what separates the true bitter bitches and the fakes. Now you must realize that the reason this is so difficult is that every statement or question that requires a response from you has 4 or more possible answers and only one is correct. It’s tough, every moment of my life is a multiple choice question where only one response will portray me accurately as a bitter bitch, and we wouldn’t want it any other way…

"Dunc come look I bought new shoes!"

a) "drop dead bitch"
b) "sweet! from where?"
c) "my testicles itch"
d) "those look awesome! You have really great style.
e) "When are you going to stop wasting money on that shit and get yourself a boob job? Cause that’s what you need…"
f) "everytime you have said a word to me I’ve wanted to die."

It’s a toughy, the answer will be at the bottom of the page.
There are many other factors that play into a bitter bitch like being insecure and talking about yourself to make up for this aspect, or need of acknowledgement, or pigheadedness, or infatuated obsession with yourself or etc… but at least all of you now know why I am so exhausted after a day of being around people.

Now what I’ve explained in the last page or two isn’t necessarily me, as I’m more in the grey area… ack I’ve just broken my own damn rule! How can anyone explain how to be a bitter bitch without even breaking their own god damn rules 30 seconds after writing 3 rules for being a bitter bitch!? I guess I suck… but only kinda suck.



The answer is e)

For Ryan

For Ryan

Uninspired as I may be, ryan has been dying for me to write about this for eons. And after picking up my brother and his g-unit friends from a g-unit party last night that was involving the same fighting and breaking up of fights and etc that always happens I figured why not.…

I have a strong undeniable hate for anyone who wears the brand name "G-Unit", and I literally mean there is a clothing line that sells oversized basketball jerseys, sideways hats and oversized jeans.

Fact: the style of pants not covering your ass originated in prison in the 70’s and represented that you were "submissive" meaning that you would become someone’s bitch as long as they protected you… I’m not kidding either.


I hate G-Units, I hate the "culture" because it’s embodies a needlessly common and unoriginal mode of thought, now understand that these people are usually white or native in Saskatoon, and have no identity of their own so they try to embody what they see in mtv and old ice cube movies. When Oliver Stone’s hit movie Scarface was released in 1983 : blacks, latinos, and crackers alike worshipped tony montana. These people stood around with Pacino’s mastered sneer and used the line "say hello to my little friend" until it became cliché and boring, and they paid attention to the open colored red shirts, the white suits, the money and etc. that Montana wore and did, but they all miss two key points:

A) Tony had an incestuous relationship with his sister for… need I say more?

B) And Tony gets blown to shit by an army of Colombian mercenaries, and while yes Tony went down in a blaze of glory he really didn’t have shit to live for; he murdered his only friend in the world, his sister tried killing him (after he tried doing her), and all he had to live for was a bag of coke, a gaudy mansion, and an ar-15 with a grenade launcher… nothing more.

Why would you idolize a person like this? Why not idolize james bond who fights for the good of his country rather than a coked up druglord trying to get with his sister? The answer is I don’t know, and in fact I’ve learned that it’s irrelevant.

I used to think the above was the problem, but it’s not the problem. The problem is that people love to embody the American Dream, and I hate the American Dream. The American Dream for those of you who are in the dark, is embodied in Scott’s "Kingdom of Heaven" which is about a blacksmith peasant who becomes a somebody and saves the day. People love watching life stories of people who have nothing, and then become everything.

But despite me hating the American Dream, that is not why I hate g-units.

The fact is, is that I hate g-units for what they are, or alteast try to be. It’s the simple fact that they try too hard, too self conscious, too concerned with what other people are thinking. My brother’s friends for example act as tough as nails, they act as if they were a bunch of badass kids from the projects… except I babysat them in their middleclass homes and so I know otherwise. There is all the needless time and energy exerted in trying to lean as far back in the car as possible, buying oversized jeans compensated with a belt, trying to act tough, trying to be those rough kids that wreck shit, fight shit and act like a group of mindless clones with no true individual style and thus they put all their time and energy collectively in to being needlessly close-minded and violent. Bitches, ho’s, and bros and all that jazz.

...But really that’s not the point, the point is this: I hate anyone who spends 193 dollars and 29 cents on an oversized g-unit basketball jersey when they could buy a knicks basketball jersey for 91.96.