An Irishman up for the Nobel Peace Prize a second time, What The Fuck?

An Irishman up for the Nobel Peace Prize a second time, What The Fuck?

Okay vocalist and guitarist of U2 is up for the Nobel Peace Prize for a second time...




Problem is: he's fucking Irish.

If anyone knew anything about the Irish they would know that the Irish haven't a clue what the word peace means. in fact i looked up the meaning of peace in an Irish dictionary and it was no where to be found... this is a huge problem my friends, the irish can't even spell peace let alone describe it to any man coherently.

i once spoke to an irishman and asked him:

Me: "do you have a word for peace?"

Irishman: "do'ya mean asskicking?"

Me: "uhhh no, i mean what's the word you use to describe when you and another person mutually have no desire to fight anymore?"

Irishman: "Oh ye mean when you beat the fuck outta some lippy cunt, an' he has no desire to fight n'ymore, because ye' stomped on his balls?"

Me: "kinda... yeah not really"

Irishman: " after ye' finsih that pint lets stomp that guy's balls and make a jig about it."

Me: "okay"

See the problem? an irishman winning the nobel peace prize is like saddam hussein winning the Humanitarian Award.


but i suppose bono does deserve it, but that that just goes to show you the world is going to shit. ten years ago when i looked up the defintion of asskicking there was a picture of bruce campbell and a leprechaun sucker punching a giant.



if an irishman wins a peace prize what are you gonna have replacing the leprechaun sucker punching a giant? american eagle? please. the thing about the irish is: the irish are tiny, have lots of red heads, and they are always drunk. so as a result when they fight anyone and everyone they are always at the disadvantage. the irish always fight the big strong bastards like the english, eachother and etc.. the americans just bomb 3rd world brown people...

that's kinda like jer and ryan celebrating after kicking evan's and my ass in nightfire, hits or madden: games they play relgiously and thus evan and myself should offer no competetion.


so in conclusion i'm not saying that bono doesn't deserve to win it, i'm just stating the fact that the world is going to shit when an irishman is spreading the word of peace, a defintion the irish have yet to grasp.

"It costs a fortune to look this trashy."



atleast he doesn't bullshit.

The OC is not cool

Now a lot of my guy friends have been going about the OC and how it's actually "good". the problem is it is a soap opera filled with ridiculous love triangles and shitty plot lines. this is good? no my friend that is not good it is shit. now first of all your first mistake is that you openly admitted you watch the OC which is the equivlent of stating that you like man cock in your ass. which is cool, we can still be friends, but don't try telling me that you're still heterosexual after admitting you watch the OC on a regular basis. becase i'm much too smart for that.

i came down stairs one thrusday night to find my brother watching the OC. i asked him "whats on" and when he relaized i saw what he was watchign he quickly blurted out "nothing!"started flipping through the channels pretending like he wasn't watching it. dumb bastard i know he thinks i think he's gay now. which i do, and thats cool i'll just have to hook him up with rob or evan.

another problem is that my friend rob, rob who is a huge 33 yearold farmer who is now in commerce, and he's HUGE and gruff as hell looking adores fuckign pacy and the OC! now see wtf? he should be watchign manly things like cars exploding and wrestling not the fucking OC! but i saw through rob as id o with everyone he watches the OC in hopes to turn to the girl beside him on friday morning and say

"did you watch the OC last night? wasn't pacy sooo cute etc..."

dumb creepy bastard. jsut kdding rob don't kill me.

i've classified male OC watchers into three categories

Billy Madison Sydrome

The guy who watches it and needs to justify his heterosexuality by enforcing that you're not cool unless you watch the OC... this is the same thing as seen in the classic Billy Madison in where Billy tells all the school kids that you're not cool unless you piss your pants, and thus so the one kid doesn't feel like a loser because everyone else does it thinking that they are cool... unfortunately no one else is as cool as billy madison and thus these guys can't convince me to piss my pants nor to watch the OC.


"


The Creepy Guy


This guy watches the OC in hopes of strikign a conversation with a girl, where these guys are trying desperately to appear "in touch" with their femmine side. but really they are jsut creepsters.

"


The Hope to God Guy

This type of guy is like my brother watches it but hopes no one finds out about it. these guys are alright because i never have to worry about hearing what pacy did the night before. they just keep their mouth shut and pretend to watch their wwf and monster trucks.

"

Happy Hallmark Day Assholes

so i jsut got back from Regina for a job interview. the interview took two fucking days to complete, but i nailed the interview as i do with all job interviews. it's exceptionally rare when i don't get a job after an interview... anyway.

i spent hallmark day locked in a hotel room holding a gun to my face contemplating death... well not really, but there are lots of people who do on this day and on christmas, because everyone expects you to have someone on this day. i went to kelsey's for supper and of course i was the only bugger in the whole world eating alone and not on a date. all these deadbeat goats were going through the "actions" of being romantic without actually trying to be romantic... fuck off.

anyone who thinks valentines day is romantic because your deadbeat boyfriend took you to kelsey's and bought you roses has got to be either retarded or jailbait. none of these guys are trying, and if they are they are so unorginal that they should be got rid of the same thing that the japanese do to the losers of their society: force the fuckups to split their belly into pieces while their best friend chops their head off. (they have the friend chop his headoff just as a warning to him incase he decides he wants to become a fuckup like his now dead buddy.)

here's the thing if you think valentines is romantic because hallmark, kaye's and da'bears tell you it's romantic it isn't.

People especailly university students are always worried about being unorginal. i am one of those people. however i always have tried to be orginal, if i ever meet the right girl she will want to spend valentines day doing something cool like skydiving or making fun of couples eating at kelsey's with their unintersting or complete lack of conversation staring at their plates like giant assholes.

i remember in when i was in grade 2 and on valentines day everyone handed out valentines cards to both guys and girls losing the whole meaning of the day, you just did it because it was expected of you. the kids had no idea why they were giving people cards... and things ahve not changed as adults. they just do it because it's expected of them. like really don't do it because it's expected of you do it because you care or you want to... but maybe 10% of the population probably actually "mean it" most guys are probably like "fuck what am i gonna do for the 14th? dinner and movie?" oh great idea! how unorginal! die dipshit!

i spent valentines day locked in a hotel room with a bottle of pinot noir while watching sideways gettign drunk... an absolutely phenominal movie.... not as good as million dollar baby (which i doubt there will be for a few decades) but nonetheelss very enjoyable


anyone who thinks i'm a grumpy cynic can go fuck themselves.

Sun Tzu's Art to Ass Kicking

Lately I’ve been writing perhaps my best script I’ve written to date, my previous scripts have been bogged down by irrelevant plotlines and alternative motives for characters that don’t suit their own personality, and the dialogue I used was never great or witty. Much like my own I admit.

However, before I started writing this masterpiece I thought about what makes great movies great.

Ass Kicking.

Now Ass Kicking is a difficult art to master in the film industry because you can’t have a guy aimless shooting people with an infinite amount of ammo and infinitely worse acting and stunts. It won’t sell. if I won’t watch it (and I watch a ton of movies) no one will…. Well except for Tarantino that bastard watches every movie. Anyway. I researched the art of Ass Kicking and have broken it down into a formula easy to understand.

Army of Darkness = Ass Kicking

Army of Darkness + Boondock Saints + Pulp Fiction – (Quentin Tarantino’s Acting) + Mad Max – (80’s haircuts and overall weak supporting cast) + Ving Rhames = Ultimate Understanding of the Art of Ass Kicking

It’s that simple really master that formula and you will be rich… or just another struggling fool trying desperately to get into the film industry. One of the two but I can’t remember which one happens more often.

Okay so let us analyze each factor in my equation of Ass Kicking



Army of Darkness

Written and directed by cult classic Sam Raimi (for those of you that are retarded he directed all evil dead and both spidermans)

Starring Bruce Campbell

Okay there's a guy who was once a nancy boy named Ashley, but in the third installment he becomes the epitome of ass kicking: He cuts off his own hand changes his name to Ash and suddenly he becomes cooler than dinosaurs. Wow major character development right there, then he goes back into time with a car filled with shotgun shells chemistry books, and infinite cans of whoop ass.

Awesome

He then struts around medieval England raises the dead just so he can single handedly kill off an entire zombie army just to show you how cool he is. He does all this and regurgitates cheesy taglines that aren’t cheesy at all because bruce campbelle is the best actor of all time. Why he got stuck in terrible scifi movies like escape from la and etc after this movie is beyond me. No one else could have said those lines and sounded cool saying them, could you see tom hanks saying “Hail to the king baby” as he blows some she devil’s face off without sounding like a nancy boy? No.

Okay in short to make movie kickass you need 3 of the 6 things that made this movie kickass.
1. Zombies
2. Shotgun blasts to the face
3. humourously blasting zombies faces off
4. well used ass kicking one liners
5. traveling back in time with a truck filled with guns and bombs and etc to make your name universally known in 330 bc.
6. choosing a modest life rather than kingly life and working at S-Mart.



Mad Max

You killed off Mel Gibson’s wife and kid and now he’s pissed motherfucker you don’t fuck with Mel! Basically Mel drives around in a car post nuclear war and wanders through ruins of society occasionally all the while he’s busting caps into everyone and anything. ( I think he shot a dog in the face at one point because it looked at him funny).

Basically what is cool about post apocalyptic movies is we as people love seeing mass destruction of society. We love seeing office buildings ruined and where you are the only person around to witness it, the world is your playground if you want smokes you walk into a store and find them and take them, the owner of the store was nuked so what does he care? Society destroyed itself, it’s like watching a car wreck it’s absolutely fascinating. And then you fill in the boring scenes with mel getting pissed off and killing stuff and you’ve got yourself an awesome movie.



Pulp Fiction

Tarantino outdoes himself in this one. the thing Quentin Tarantino does is that he humanizes every character with emotion, feelings, desires, and aspirations and then throws all the characters together and we watch them get their faces blown off for no reason. And then he has very stylish gangster like dialogue. If you watch an old black white movie from the 40’s you will notice that the dialogue is unbelievable... Some of it is life altering. this cult favorite is capable of reporducing similar dialgoue on command... while it'll never be as good as mvoies that relied solely on dilagoue he is competentent nonetheless at mimicing it.

A+ for dialogue



Boondock Saints


If you’ve seen this movie you know why. 2 Irish kids discover god wants them to kill mob bosses and they decide they like it so they rid the world of evil drug dealers and the Russian mafia vigilante style. And they blow up a cat accidentally.

Awesome.

If you combine all of these elements of the movies you will have a top notch action flick sure to win no academy awards but will entertain the masses to no end. If some producer can make a move entitled alien vs. predator for a 100 million I should be able to make a movie about killing zombies and shooting cats for a 98th of that.

Political Does Not = Good

A lot of people having been talking recently or rather explaining to me how political bands are becoming these days especially with the 2nd win for the bush administration. These people list off bands like Sum 41, Offspring, New Found Glory, Green Day, Mathew Good… well okay Mathew Good was always quite political (he’s an exception to this) but these people are justifying listening to bands because they are quote on quote “political”. No dipshit, it doesn’t work that way there are millions of groups out there that are “political” by stating that "Geroge Bush is a Moron" and entitling a song after that is hardly a deep and meangful political statement, it's about as deep and meangful as me switching the channel during a commercial. These people are just shoving their uninformed opinions down everyones throats with an overly simple an ineffective way of doing it. Garbage.

People seem to forget that because a band is not directly bashing a political figure it does not mean that they don’t have a political standpoint. People tell me how great it is that all these bands are becoming political and are creating “an awareness among their listeners” bullshit. These guys are about as competent of sending a meaningful political message as I am at hockey. And I suck at hockey. Take “The Stampeders” for example “Cherokee Nation” is a beautifully political song about a real world issue that still fucking affects anyone in North America. But does anyone say “yeah I love the Stampeders they are so fucking political now” NO they don’t. instead a million people would probably laugh at that person and tell him/her that they have bad taste in music.

Or better yet Iron Maiden, there are few bands that can compare with Iron Maiden, their stance on war/propaganda/death penalty/First Nation’s rights etc… is almost incomparable…. Except there are few to no fellow 80’s mulleteer’s that would say “fucking rights man! I listen to fucking Iron Maiden because they are sooo political Man!” no. they listen to Iron Maiden because Iron Maiden kicks ass, they don’t justify it with it being political. It is just a givin that they kick ass, the same way that gravity is an active force working on every object at any given time. You don’t fuck with gravity and you don’t fuck with Maiden.

“As the reasons for the carnage cut their meat and lick the gravy, We oil the jaws of the war machine and feed it with our babies.”

Is that not just the most poetic thing you’ve ever read?

“The body bags and little rags of children torn in two And the jellied brains of those who remain to put the finger right on you. As the madmen play on words and make us all dance to their song, To the tune of starving millions to make a better kind of gun.”

Beautiful

Just because a band is political doesn’t mean it is good. Don’t justify your shitty taste in music just because it is anti-bush. The Dixie Chicks were anti bush and it didn’t improve their music by any means so don’t give me that shit.

“The bugle sounds and the charge begins But on this battlefield no one wins The smell of acrid smoke and horses breath As I plunge on into certain death.”