Who are people that you can make fun of?

"I mean, who am I going to make fun of [...]?" dumbest question ever asked? perhaps.

there are so many people to make fun of that i feel like i could not even begin to do a list justice, but i'll try.

people who should be run down with a ford f150 and then shot in the face with an uzi consist of anyone who:

thinks that an ethnic group is the only group that should bear the brunt of jokes.

studies for 6 hours, but types away on msn for 5 of the 6.

looks over pictures on myspace for hours on end

has a myspace account and isn't in a band.

thinks the pat is a good time

thinks the longbranch is a good time

voted green party and didn't think they were wasting a vote.

doesn't think tom cruise is actually gay

thinks jerry brukheimer isn't a waste of life.

makes out their ugly girlfriend in a library or extremely public place

places their hand over their girlfriend's ass over the course of an entire night at Jt's or whisky jack's or wherever.

wears a startrek broach, has long dangly medieval hair, sits cross legged in a desk, wears sandals in november, comments on everything, and thinks that he/she is a unique individual.

told me that the Da Vinci code was a good book, fuck you guys that was a bad book.

text messages icessantly to their girlfriend, girl that is a friend, or boyfriend, friend that is a guy. especially while watching a movie with someone else. i just want to punch you when you do it.

go to the library for the social aspect, and never seem to study, and are always loud and obnoxious and probably have myspace accounts

take anything i say seriously

doesn't think i know what i'm not talking about

thought planet of the apes sucks

thinks 50 cent is lyrical

etc...

if you excuse me i'm going to go fail yet another midterm

Bored as Hell, with Nothing to Write About.

Have you ever been in a situation where you:

Thought to yourself "i'm definitely not racist cause i just treated that guy the same as everybody else" but by merely thinking that you have clearly acknowledged that you see the person as being different than yourself?

Pushed something until it broke, not out of spite but curiousity?

Realize that you are actually alive, and it's the most surreal and amazing realization, and as soon as your come to this realization, you ruin it by the continuation of your habitual existence?

Watched an eight yearold play with toys, and wish for just a moment, that something as simple as plastic could once again amuse you for hours?

Wished you could stop pretending to hate life, but realize that pretending is the only thing that makes you happy?

Laugh after you say something that you didn't believe, but say it anyhow because you like the shock value.

Feel cheated because you know so little about everyone around you?

Feel cheated because there are bilions of people just like you?

Realized you're not special and Big Bird lied to you.

Polygyny Alive and Well in Canada

The Pareto Effect


I know a lot of single guys, and on my daily travels I see a lot more perpetually single people. It’s not that these guys are continually single, but instead, they are continuously single. Continuously meaning without end within the specified time period, whereas continually refers to semi-constant or off and on again. Upon reflection, other than less friends than fingers I have on my right-hand (Jer, Dave and two others) I know of not a single guy who is currently dating, neither within my university clique nor within my group of life-long friends(?). This group of single, sexually frustrated men is pretty substantial to say the least, and I suppose it is arguable that social misfits will group together, which would account for my knowing of so many when I myself am included in this group. However, no matter the social structure, there are considerably greater proportions of continuously single guys than there are guys who are not in this category.


Girls however, seem to suffer from this problem at significantly less proportion, and in fact it seems as if there is an inverse relationship. Girls that I know always seem to be dating at one point or another, they never seem to go for 2 or 3 or 21 years of independence. These girls always seem to be in a relationship, just out of one, or developing one.

This is an inconsistency; the population of Canada has been divided into 52% girls and 48% guys. How is it that all girls are dating or have dated recently, while guys seem to be stuck in a life long rut? Looking at the numbers you would expect an equal number of guys to girls who are equally unsuccessful at life.


This is where economics plays in.


The “Pareto Effect” is an economic theory that suggests that 20% of a given capitalist population control the other 80%. The 20% consist of individuals like Gates, Trump Black, and etcetera. These characters own us, because they control a significant amount of the population, resource, land and capital that us poor people are allowed to work with. The Pareto Effect seems almost inevitable; a universal truth within any society, this effect is especially evident within Latin American countries whose income distribution is undeniably unequal. In Latin American countries it is not unusual for 80% of the population to find themselves living on or below the poverty line, while the other 20% live like the sultans of Saudi. This is a sad but inevitable realization, but with the way capitalism has been designed there isn’t much choice.

After careful analysis the Pareto Effect, as it seems, is not limited to economic structures, but can be applied to the social structure of a given human population.


In Canada, or I hypothesize any North American city, 20% of the guy population controls 80% of the female population. So, in terms more easily understandable, in a population of 100 people equally divided between 50% guys and 50% girls, 10 guys will control 40 girls.

While the 10 girls and the 40 guys will remain independent. There are four reasons that the remaining 10 girls will stay indie from the large majority of remaining guys.

A) They have a number of incompatible defects
B) Simply choose to avoid that 20% of guys, but are too coy to say what they really want to say to one of the remaining 40 guys-these 40 guys whose self-confidence has been beaten and battered so many time that they have finally come to terms with their fate: effectively fading from the gene pool.
C) The girl is just plain gross and listens to jayzee
D) Crazy kidney stealing bitch

Any further analysis is beyond the scope of this article, because it seems as though the majority of the male population is more or less out of luck, while the minority of 20% may feast at will upon the fecund land of North America

The Pareto Effect will persist with little change, which is evidenced by any given Latin American country, specifically Brazil, where 80% of the population are dirt poor, and have not one option to better their situation- likewise Canada suffers from a similar, though perhaps less important dilema, the remaining 80% of men will never gather enough self-confidence to better their situation and thus the cycle of poverty will persist into oblivion.

I suppose the catholic church attempted to give us guys a fighting chance, but with the rate of divorces and marriages, it’s become a bit of a losing battle.

Get's Me Every Time

This time of year has traditionally always held a quite the kowaaski death grip on my self confidence. I'm morose over my mediocrity, and as an individual i'm trying to decide if i will ever excell at anything other than barely passing every test (socially and academically) that has come my way.

I gave my essay to my neighbour who is an English prof, and i felt like i was in the third grade trying to write at a 3rd year university level. It wasn't the ideas, it was the grammar and punctuation-the stuff i wanted him to check, because i did recognize the problems just not how to rectify them. I suppose i won't be making half of the torn apart mistakes ever again-which is good, but it was at the expense of my dignity -which is something i'm desperately trying to minimize.

I'm a subpar economist, a mediocre writer and subpar at everything else. The only thing i've shown any aptitutude for is drawing abstract conclusions from two seemingly independent events... When exactly am i supposed to become intelligent?

Trying to buy a cd

So anyway there is this band I heard on CBC Radio Podcast quite sometime ago, and now that i have a pretty steady inflow of cash with few expeditures i wanted to buy their cd.

However, with that said it's been a pain in the ass to get their cd.

They are so indie that I can't buy it off amazon on anything like that or downlaod it off the net, and instead i'm given an email address with absolutely no further contact information, it jsut says email them if you want a cd.

first email

Me:

"Heya,

I'm interested in purchasing your cd,

so could you send me the details?

Thanks,

Duncan"

Response:

"hello...are you in canada?"

lol, i was kinda annoyed, i even used my university of saskatchewan email account, but anyway whatever. it was still pretty funny, because i knew there was no way i'd get a concise email.

Me:

"Yes, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan"

Response #2:

"ok ... well u can send a ten dollar bill in the mail...although it may
get
stolen...or u can send a money order for the 10...along with yer mailing
address

do either of those sound reasonable?"

-I just about died after reading this from laughing so hard, i love the stolen part, but anyway.

Me:

"Yes, i'll send a cheque, but wouldn't you need to charge extra for shipping? or is the 10 inclusive?

also, where should i send the cheque?"



i'll keep you updated on the next response, but i thought this was kinda funny.

235 Bitchy French People vs 1 Masochistic Bartender

The one thing that irritates me working as a bartender is that I’m not a fan of working until 4:00 am with a bunch of French/drunk people; it just isn’t what I’d call my favorite way to spend a Saturday night.

My favorite way of spending a Saturday night it bartending until 4:00 am with no French people, or even better no people at all, while watching Battlestar Galactica or this new series entitled Dexter-which is on tonight.

Anyway, I was working some French Saskatchewan convention last night, and to further their stereotype the French displayed their ever evident arrogance.

This is a semi-annual award/dinner/convention where the French population of Saskatchewan can party speaking French. Except their bartender wasn’t French, he gave no signs that he understood a word in French and yet everyone felt the need to order their drinks in French. Fuck you guys.

Occasionally they’d look at me like an idiot when I once in a while got their drinks wrong because I couldn’t decipher all of their French.

My favorite is when people complain about prices- like what am I going to do? After work go up to my boss who has absolutely no control over her life let alone control over drink prices and say “yeah some old French guy with bad teeth was complaining about the prices of our cheap house wine, it’s not that he didn’t like the wine, he just had bad teeth; so you think we could lower drink prices?” ?

Anyway there were French music awards and lots of singing and songs, ironically everyone there sang songs celebrating Saskatchewan. I was actually expecting them to sing Viva le Quebec day or something like that. But instead, they were all proud of living in Saskatchewan, even when they were drunk at 2:00 in the morning, the one guy with the guitar and the other guy with two forks playing them like spoons (he was actually damn good with those forks) were signing songs about Saskatchewan.

I thought this was really weird. I always imagined that these people who regularly and publicly display their spite for life, would have genuine hate for Saskatchewan just because it’s an all English province.

But, I’ve come to this conclusion:

French people are very loyal on a provincial level, and are treasonous bastards on a national level.

This translates back to the medieval France, which out of the other Western European countries took the longest to be recognized as a single country under one king. –And even then, king’s found it difficult gathering support from their very independent provinces. King’s found this independence among their people difficult up to and including the day the French public started the trend of guillotining kings and cake pushers.

So in conclusion I’ve decided that the French aren’t supporting Quebec because it has a large French population that was conquered by the British and given more standing than any western province. But instead they want to separate, because there are a lot of French people in an area and are only capable of strong provincial loyalty with no room in their shallow hearts for anything on a grander more meaningful metric scale.

P.S. hopefully the 3 people who read this and the 3 anonymous people who read this won’t chastise me for my generalization of an entire population of people whose only commonality is the French language… but I mean I’m still right. And I still like French women, it has something to do in how they pronounce the “whu” sound with their lips when they talk-even in English… and I like the overall abrasive bitch attitude... I just about died laughing with the amount of bitch this one girl gave me after I id’d her. She was the same age as me, but man, she was gonna eat my face for iding her, and not in a sexy kind of French eating of the face.

Fav Fruit

today i was cutting limes while at work and this one girl who i'm pretty sure every guy at work wants to stick it in, except myself, because she's overly cheery and likes every body for who they are, which just doesn't click with me. anyway today at work i was cutting limes and in her desperate attempts to stir something of a conversation or whatever, because as i said, she likes everybody, because everybody likes her.

"that smells really great"

"what the limes? *head nod* Well, they are my favorite fruit"

then i started to think, that infact my response was very honest, i wasn't awkwardly stating something for the sake of saying it, which perhaps she most likely thought i was doing, but i wasn't. not that it mattered as i quickly killed the conversation by turning my head to what i was doing so i didn't normalize the length of my fingers... my fingers are long. Much longer than normal fingers, and so by cutting them in half i would have normalized fingers... though they would look weird because i'd only have stubs that were not capable of bending, nor would they have finger nails.

anyway, normally I wouldn't eat a lime if i had a choice between an apple and a lime, but limes are capable of so much more than an apple.

sure apples can make apple pie or apple crisp, or applejacks which are all very good, but if i had the choice between surviving off of margaritas or an apple pie, a margarita would probably win.

What Word am i Groping for?

While worrying about my Economic Development essay, I’m also working on an essay for my Sci Fi English class.

I’m doing this essay on a book entitled Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? The title, was written in the form of a question mark because there was not one single solid statement made throughout the entire 232 pages. This book has completely perplexed my brain. I’m fucked, I can’t write a single thesis statement without some single line of dialogue found in this book that completely contradicts any of the 100’s of apparent themes. It seems as if Phillip Dick hated university students, because there is only one possible theme throughout the book which is just plain unoriginal: there is no reality. It’s only unoriginal because of the damn popularity of The Matrix.

Anyway, while paging through this book trying to grasp something, anything really, that could be used as a solid original thought to write my essay on, I was being continuously harassed by the voices of these two 1^st years sitting beside me. It was a guy flirting with this decently attractive first year girl. Between the two of them, I really hated the guy. His mannerisms, the way he awkwardly sat in the chair with his legs having no purposeful direction, fidgety, baseball hat and even how his thin wire glasses sat on his face made it difficult for me not to want to hit him. He reminded me of me. Except I’d be damned if I were to create an entire conversation out of how I went back home and ate nothing but fries for supper because everyone else ate everything else, or how I never answer my cell phone if I don’t recognize the number. These types of conversations shouldn’t be wasted on a pre-date, they should be saved and used wisely on at least the 2^nd or 3^rd date… asshole.

I found it hilarious that I couldn’t concentrate with these people babbling over nothing, the girl seemingly flirtatious( I don’t know if she meant it or not, cause they started talking about her dating a guy she casually dates every once in a while, I’m not sure if that’s date my lingo or what), but the guy awkwardly slung his arm around the side of the chair while talking about his fries diet, but he had so much distance between the two of them that the action seemed contrived. I honestly couldn’t believe I was ebing distracted by this, but whatever.

What is the word I am groping for? The word to describe when one is doing something so incredibly mind boggling, but is distracted or kept from accomplishing through trivial exogenous retardation?

I don’t know; someone should create a word if there isn’t one to describe that situation.

Anyway I did have my mp3 player but I refused to increase the volume because I really didn’t want to lose my hearing on account of 1^st year docuhebaggery-2^ndyears maybe, but not 1^styears.