Shitty Bars Part I
Today i thought i might share with all of you the bars i hate, and when i say bars i mean clubs. and when i mean clubs i mean the LongBranch.
I hate the LongBranch. The LongBranch is this cowboy bar in saskatoon that caters to all the creepy old guys in the whole world who are hoping to score with young women. These creepy guys consist of old guy with sweet handlebar moustaches to plain dipshits running around in their dragon t-shirts constantly thinking baout how cool they are at this very moment in time. The lineup on thursdays is ridiculously long, but due to persistence of some of my girlfriends (who are longbranch regulars and state that it is the greatest place on earth... and i suppose i can understand why they would think that: any bar where there is a 9:1 guy:girl ratio would be heaven for any girl... or hell depending if that girl likes getting offers for sex by 9 different ugly sob at any given moment in time.) forced us into going to this hell hole.
anyway since it is a cowboy bar there is was one thing that already sucked long before i ever discovered the horryifying girl guy ratio. Cowboy Music, and it fucking sucks. like i had always knwon i had hated cowboy music which is why i never listened to it, but now i had to go through 6 hours of the hsittiest music ever created blaring so loud i was going deaf, it's like pop combined with shitty hearbreak songs all about being a cowboy....
and as if any of these guys know what being a cowboy is all about, being a cowboy means you despise love, shoot people with a colt .45, look pissed off 24/7 and say as little as possible... like Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood is a true cowboy, if they made a bar that true cowboys would enjoy with poker tables, wenches, pianos, and spitoons i know i would love it there, it would become my second home in all probability. but no... instead it's this gaudy monstrositity known as the longbranch where all these assholes with their chachy dragon shirts, ballcaps, or tighty jeans bump into my back all night pissing me off.
So also we came with the best looking women there easily, and so obviously there would be all these guys who try way too damn hard. we're tlaking baout every trick in the book other than what normal people do: like if i wanted to tlak to a girl i'd be like "Hey how's it going? enjoying your night? my name is "hot pimp daddy pappa" etc...
keeley and i are standing side by side at the bar waiting to get served, (i wanted my single beer for the night, as i was driving everyone home) and this guy standing beside keeley notices her and rather than doing anything rational he takes his hand and moves keeley's hair from her face, and then he tries turning his head so that she would have to look at him as he did it. (she was really drunk so i'm not sure she noticed but, i was speechless. like wtf?)
like that is creepy at it's finest, so being the nice guy i am i decided to inform him that he should consider a different strategy.
Me- Hey buddy what you jsut did there was kinda creepy.
Him- what?
Me- you know the whole moving her hair from her face thing was really creepy. you might want to try "hey" or "hi" the next time or even just use words in general.
Him- fuck you
Me- well i'm just tellin you, i thought you might want to know
then i think he mentioned fighting me, and he he said something else, but he knew i was right and that he was a dumb bitch... i'm sure he acknowledged all this the next morning and was so embarassed about the whole situation he slit his wrists and died.
anyway i thought i might draw a picture of this situation for those of you that can't read good.
I had a terrible night, the only thing that made it tolerable was keely getting hilariously drunk. When she was sober she was making fun of me for getting hit on by a gay guy and then like 20 minutes later she's like "Duncan, do these pants make me look fat???" etc... hilarious.
when they turned off the shitty cowboy music or all music in general at 2:00 i already was feeling 100% better. fucking cowboy music.
Moral of story:
BOYCOTT THE LONGBRANCH
I hate the LongBranch. The LongBranch is this cowboy bar in saskatoon that caters to all the creepy old guys in the whole world who are hoping to score with young women. These creepy guys consist of old guy with sweet handlebar moustaches to plain dipshits running around in their dragon t-shirts constantly thinking baout how cool they are at this very moment in time. The lineup on thursdays is ridiculously long, but due to persistence of some of my girlfriends (who are longbranch regulars and state that it is the greatest place on earth... and i suppose i can understand why they would think that: any bar where there is a 9:1 guy:girl ratio would be heaven for any girl... or hell depending if that girl likes getting offers for sex by 9 different ugly sob at any given moment in time.) forced us into going to this hell hole.
anyway since it is a cowboy bar there is was one thing that already sucked long before i ever discovered the horryifying girl guy ratio. Cowboy Music, and it fucking sucks. like i had always knwon i had hated cowboy music which is why i never listened to it, but now i had to go through 6 hours of the hsittiest music ever created blaring so loud i was going deaf, it's like pop combined with shitty hearbreak songs all about being a cowboy....
and as if any of these guys know what being a cowboy is all about, being a cowboy means you despise love, shoot people with a colt .45, look pissed off 24/7 and say as little as possible... like Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood is a true cowboy, if they made a bar that true cowboys would enjoy with poker tables, wenches, pianos, and spitoons i know i would love it there, it would become my second home in all probability. but no... instead it's this gaudy monstrositity known as the longbranch where all these assholes with their chachy dragon shirts, ballcaps, or tighty jeans bump into my back all night pissing me off.
So also we came with the best looking women there easily, and so obviously there would be all these guys who try way too damn hard. we're tlaking baout every trick in the book other than what normal people do: like if i wanted to tlak to a girl i'd be like "Hey how's it going? enjoying your night? my name is "hot pimp daddy pappa" etc...
keeley and i are standing side by side at the bar waiting to get served, (i wanted my single beer for the night, as i was driving everyone home) and this guy standing beside keeley notices her and rather than doing anything rational he takes his hand and moves keeley's hair from her face, and then he tries turning his head so that she would have to look at him as he did it. (she was really drunk so i'm not sure she noticed but, i was speechless. like wtf?)
like that is creepy at it's finest, so being the nice guy i am i decided to inform him that he should consider a different strategy.
Me- Hey buddy what you jsut did there was kinda creepy.
Him- what?
Me- you know the whole moving her hair from her face thing was really creepy. you might want to try "hey" or "hi" the next time or even just use words in general.
Him- fuck you
Me- well i'm just tellin you, i thought you might want to know
then i think he mentioned fighting me, and he he said something else, but he knew i was right and that he was a dumb bitch... i'm sure he acknowledged all this the next morning and was so embarassed about the whole situation he slit his wrists and died.
anyway i thought i might draw a picture of this situation for those of you that can't read good.
I had a terrible night, the only thing that made it tolerable was keely getting hilariously drunk. When she was sober she was making fun of me for getting hit on by a gay guy and then like 20 minutes later she's like "Duncan, do these pants make me look fat???" etc... hilarious.
when they turned off the shitty cowboy music or all music in general at 2:00 i already was feeling 100% better. fucking cowboy music.
Moral of story:
BOYCOTT THE LONGBRANCH
posted by Doc at
3:15 PM
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2 comments
